Split Jokes

Remember to never split an infinitive.

At Burger King an elderly couple ordered one burger, one order of fries and one coke with two glasses.

When they got to their booth, the man placed a napkin in front of himself and one in front of his wife, then proceeded to divide the fries, cut the burger in half and divided the coke equally.

A gentleman nearby noticed and offered to buy them another burger, fries and Coke.

The woman then said, "No you don't understand. We've been married over 50 years and all our life we agreed to split everything right down the middle."

Her husband then began eating, as she sat with her hands in her lap.

The gentleman nearby noticed and asked the lady why she wasn't eating.

She replied, "As I said before, we split everything right down the middle, and it's his day to use the teeth first."

Attending a union convention in Las Vegas a union lighting man decides to visit a bordello. He goes into the first place, the ladies are lovely, and he asks the Madam, "Is this a union establishment?"
"Why, no, it isn't," the Madam replies.
"Well," the Union Man asks, "what percentage of the take goes to the girl?"
"We split the money, 20 percent to the girl and 80 percent to the house."
Feeling that wasn't a fair split the man left and went to another establishment. Again he asked the same questions and received a similar response. Although not a union house the split rate at this one was 30 percent to the girl and 70 percent to the house.
He continued his trek for some time until, finally, he came upon a Union House. "That's wonderful," he says to the Madam, "and what's the split?"
"We give 80 percent to the girl and keep just 20 percent for the house."
The Man is more...

Professor Sokolsky was lecturing his Atomic physics class.He asked, "If molecules can be split into atoms and the atoms split into electrons, can the electrons be broken down any further?"
A pupil replied, "I'm not certain, but a sure way to find out would be to mail some of them in a Christmas package marked 'fragile'."

Yo Mama is so old when Moses split the red sea, she was on the other side fishing!