Special Jokes / Recent Jokes
Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had only one golf ball.
“Don’t you have at least one other golf ball? ” he asked. The other guy replied that he only needed one.
“Are you sure? ” the friend persisted. “What happens if you lose that ball? ”
The other guy replied, “This is a very special golf ball. I won’t lose it so I don’t need another one. ”
“Well, ” the friend asked, “what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake? ”
“That’s okay, ” he replied, “this special golf ball floats. I’ll be able to retrieve it. ”
“Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?
“The other guy replied, “That’s okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I’ll be able to get it back - no problem. ”
Exasperated, the friend asks, “Okay. Let’s say our game goes late, more...
There aren't too many TV shows that dare to tackle the topic of The Mother-In-Law. So, here are a few suggestions for new story lines for some of the current hit TV shows.
1. Oprah: Dr. Phil discusses the phenomenon of "Reverse Claustrophobia" (the uncontrollable desire to lock yourself in a room or closet when your MIL visits.)
2. House of Fashion: Today's topic - This Old Bag
3. Daughters-in-law and Order - Special Victims Unit: Investigators probe horrid offenses committed by MILs that have left the victims devastated, and destroyed lives.
4. Survivor: Stay at home and vote to keep the MILs on the island forever.
5. Home Shopping Club: DIL SURVIVAL KIT - Items for sale include a new lock and key for your front door, duct tape, caller ID boxes, and ear plugs.
6. MIL Family Feud: Most of us have been playing this game since we got engaged. Whenever you say something, your MIL tries to top it.
7. WWF: See the champ in the ring with your MIL. Can more...
On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!" "That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?" "Just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!" "That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl. "Just a lucky guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied. The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she more...
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Martinez, California:Gus Kramer faces an unusual challenge in his race for county assessor: His opponents would rather see a dead man elected.Kramer's only rival in the Contra Costa County race, Dan Hallissy, died of a heart attack April 10 - too late for anyone else to run.But Hallissy's name will remain on the ballot for the June 7 nonpartisan primary. And the incumbent assessor is working to get him elected.Voters should have "a chance to elect an honest, experienced person to this office," said assessor John Biasotti.A Hallissy victory would force a special election next March, open to any candidate.U.S. Representative Bill Baker, a Republican, also is backing the posthumous effort. His spokesman said voters should have a choice.Kramer, who briefly stopped campaigning to mark Hallissy's death, decried the effort as a "classical more...
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5, 000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said:" I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40, 000," the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said: "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by cheque. "I know you need to make sure the cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very peed-off jeweller more...
Dana Carvey performing stand-up from his new special "Squatting Monkeys Tell No Lies"--catch this special when it premieres on Saturday, June 14th at 10 p.m.--only on HBO!
Obama vs. Hillary - Dana Carvey
"I will stop funding special interests" = I will fund MY special interest friends, not HIS."I will support (program.)" = I will cut funding to (program) after giving a speech about how great it is."I am working for you." = Your tax dollars paid for me to tell you that lie, fool."We're going to take America back!" = We're going to yell and scream randomly."