Special Jokes / Recent Jokes

An explosion ripped through Baghdad the other day, nothing new. In fact most people wouldn't even read a story about an Iraqi explosion unless Lindsey Lohan was involved. This explosion, that killed 47, was special. How special? I'm glad you asked. This explosion, one of many that day, wasn't caused by insurgents or improvised explosive devices, this was caused by a gas leak, a well timed and detonated gas leak. According to US Officials, an explosion that ripped through a mosque and a library was caused by a gas leak and not sectarian violence that has gripped the country. I, for one, would like to thank the Bush administration for fighting the gas leaks over there so we don't have to fight them over here.
One survivor, Abu Malik Ababas, said, "When I saw that rocket coming towards the minaret, my first thought was,'Did I turn off the stove?'."

Three naturalized American citizens were standing outside the stadium where the Olympics were being held bemoaning the fact that none of them could afford a ticket.
All three wanted SO much to be able to see the athletes from their native lands compete.
They watched as the competitors entered through a special back gate by giving the guard their country and event.
One of the three friends looked around and found a length of pipe lying on the ground.
He hefted it to his shoulder, walked to the gate and told the guard "England. High jump." And the guard let him in!
"That's fantastic!" cried the second friend. He looked around, picked up a manhole cover, and headed for the special gate. "Russia. Discus," he told the guard, and in he went.
"Amazing" said the third friend, who by now was frantically searching around. But all he could find was some barbed wire. He grabbed it, rand to the gate, and announced "Poland. more...

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled
with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a more...

A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

Called away for an emergency, a priest didn't want to leave the confessional unattended, so he called his rabbi friend and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come over and he would stay with him for a little while and show him what to do. The rabbi came over and he and the priest entered the confessional.
A few minutes later, a woman entered and said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I have committed adultery."
"How many times?" the priest asked.
"Three times, Father," replied the woman.
"Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more," instructed the priest.
A few minutes later, a man entered the confessional and said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What did you do?" asked the priest.
"I committed adultery," the man confessed.
"How many times?" the priest more...

By Barbara Florio Graham
From McCall's, June, 1983

I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I've found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, I've found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people:

avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;

split a large combination pizza with three friends;

think Oreo cookies are for kids;

nibble cashews one at a time;

think that doughnuts are indigestible;

read books they have to hold with both hands;

become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;

fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;

counteract the midafternoon slump with a more...

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked.
The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"
The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."
Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."
"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"
The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, more...