Available Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT...
    Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
    Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
    Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
    Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
    Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
    Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
    Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
    Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
    Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
    Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
    Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
    Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
    Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
    Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint more...

    GOOFS FOR TITANIC (1997)
    Continuity
    Jack won his ticket by beating 2 pair with a full house. However, when we first see Jack's hand, he has nothihg that could be made in to a full house, and only draws one card.
    Revealing mistakes
    A strip of desert is visible between the dock and the Titanic when docked at Southampton.
    Anachronisms
    Jack claims to have gone ice fishing on Lake Wissota, which wasn't created until five years after the Titanic sank. Jacks claims to have visited the Santa Monica Pier, which did not begin construction until 1916. The pipe frames supporting the third class berths have set-screw speed rail fittings, not developed until 1946.
    Continuity
    In the scene where Jack is teaching Rose to spit, there is no spit on his chin as he starts to turn around to face the ladies, but by the time he has completed his turn he has some on his chin.
    The main characters have lunch in the Palm Court/Verandah on A Deck. These were not used for more...

    The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

    What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

    1. No need to boil.
    2. Cats can't steal it.
    3. Available whenever necessary.

    Ummm... So far so good... maybe... But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

    4. Available in attractive containers.

    NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere.In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh. The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 1997, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court.Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict. When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient more...

    This is an actual job application!
    NAME: Greg Bulmash
    DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
    DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
    EDUCATION: Yes.
    LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
    SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
    REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
    PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that more...

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