Singapore Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Singapore English radio station, was holding a live radio segment at a shopping mall. The DJ was hosting a game show where prizes were given away to kids on stage if they could name the opposite gender of animals. The first kid to come on stage was a girl. "What's your name girl & how old are you?" "My name is Cheryl & I am 8 years old." "OK, tell me Cheryl, what is the opposite of cow?" "Bull." "Very good! That's correct. Now here's a Barbie doll for you. Ladies & gentlemen, please give her a round of applause." The game then continued for the next 15 minutes in a similar fashion with the kids getting all the simple questions correct until it was time for the 10th kid to come on stage. The audience were very impressed with this kid as he was very clever & articulate from the moment he stepped on stage, before being asked, announced, "My name is Johnny. I am 7 years old and I like English, Math & Art. My hobbies are collecting more...

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of rags, his legs are bare and he's without shoes. His face and ears are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for about ten miles. Finally the punk gets self conscious and spits at the old man: "What' er you starin' at you old fart, didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?!" Without missing a beat the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was in the Navy I got real drunk in Singapore and screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you was my son."

One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago. It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions: MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L" Miss USA: Lamp Miss Malaysia: Light bulb Miss Singapore: LADIO Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L" MC: I am going to give you 2 more chances; The next question is name me an animal starting with the letter "L" Miss USA: Lion Miss Malaysia: Leopard Miss Singapore: LABBIT Judge: No, no, no, Rabbit does not start with the letter "L" MC: I am going to give you one last chance, if you answer this question incorrectly, you are disqualified. Name me a fruit starting more...

This is guarantee to improve the economy and push Singapore into the new millennium. These rules will first be implemented in the Civil Service on 1st of Jan 2000 and will be encouraged in the private sector. NTUC union workers greatly welcome these changes as it will help more Singaporeans to achieved the new 7 Cs. WORK RULES SICKNESS: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof of illness, as we believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for. DEATH, OTHER THAN YOUR OWN: This is no excuse. If you can arrange for funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour more...

The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it effectively when communicating their intentions. Just compare these few common phrases that S'poreans and Britons use to say the same thing: When all has been sold out...
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
S'poreans: No Stock! Returning a Call...
Britons: Hello, this is John Travolta. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
S'poreans: Hello, who page? or Siang Ka Pager? When someone is in the way...
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Singaporeans: Lai, siam! or Siam ji bi! or S'kius!(excuse) When someone offers to pay...
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Singaporeans: No need. When asking for permission...
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this more...

Chee Soon Juan - Did I say that the chicken crossed the road? I meant the chicken-rice stall across the road, but left out some letters because of typo. SDP vice-chairman - wo ting bu dong ni jiang shen me. (I don't know what you are saying). Ling How Doong - don't talk cock. Worker's Party - The PAP doesn't allow chickens to cross the road. Chiam See Tong - The opposition must be loyal to Singapore. Don't eat Hainanese chicken rice. Eat Singapore noodles. Ling How Doong - don't talk cock. Chee Soon Juan - Did I say eat Hainanese chicken rice? I said CONSUME chicken rice at the stall across the road. PAP - There is no chicken rice stall across the road. Worker's Party - That is not true. The PAP just doesn't want chickens to cross the road. Chiam See Tong - We must always stay on this side of the road and remain true Singaporeans. Ling How Doong - don't talk cock. Chee Soon Juan - Did I say consume chicken rice across the road? I said eat chicken rice OPPOSITE the road. PAP - You said more...

Under One Roof... Singapore is PAP,
Government wants Money.
Lee Kuan Yew is property,
Lee Hsien Loong is stamp duty,
Mah Bow Tan is COE,
Lim Hng Kiang is HDB
Richard Hu is GST
Tony Tan is ARMY,
Yeo Cheow Tong is JTC,
Tarmugi is' apa ini?',
Lim Boon Heng talks NTUC,
BG Yeo talks health subsidy
Ong Teng Cheong si cho si mi?
Goh Chok Tong is temporary,
PAP is one happy family,
Join them get high salary.
Fight them and you sure mati!