Self Jokes / Recent Jokes

Manager:
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets self with water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Loses arguments with self.

Horn Player:
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God.

On their wedding night the husband was so self - conscious about the smallness of his penis that before undressing, he snapped off the light. Once he was in bed, he unzipped his pants and handed his member to his bride." That's thoughtful, darling," she cooed, "but we'll need the light if you want to write thank-you notes. "

Manufactured by: MOMCATT - Makers Of Many CATTs
Anytown USA (Offices around the World)

FEATURES

Low Power CPU
Self Portable Operation
Dual Video Inputs
Dual Audio Inputs
Audio Output
Main Input Multiplexed with Error Output
Auto Search for Input Data
Auto Search for Output Bin
Auto Learn Program in ROM
Auto Sleep When Not in Use
Wide Operating Temperature Range
Self Cleaning

Production Details

After basic construction, the unit undergoes 6 weeks of ROM
programming and burn-in testing. MOMCATT will typically reject
inferior products, but sometimes people will salvage rejected units.

These factory seconds may or may not perform the same as units that
pass the standard acceptance testing. All of the previously listed
features are installed during this interval. Since MOMCATT uses many
different suppliers, there is wide variation between the more...

I've got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date.

Here is a long collection of Rodney Dangerfield's jokes, as a tribute to the great comedian who recently passed away at age 82.


Good crowd.. good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok now but last week I was in rough shape.. you know.

Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

When I was born.. the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father.. "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could.. but he pulled through."
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could more...

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a frontal lobotomy.
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two cases of Prozac.
On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, three stays at the
"hospital".
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, four group sessions.
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, five self help books.
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, six restraining orders.
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, seven counts of
harassment.
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, eight cries for help.
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, nine attempts to escape.
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, ten ripped off
fingernails.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, eleven body pieces.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love more...

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB. AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C: POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives. ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits. MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER more...