Saw Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two Newfies landed themselves a job at a saw mill. Just before morning the one yelled, “Mick! I lost me finger! ”
“Have you now? ” says Mick. “And how did you do it? ”
“I just touched this big spinning thing here… No! There goes another one! ”

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?" "No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

One Day A Morron Was Lying Down In The Garden And Singing A Song, And A Man Passing By Saw Him. Then Again When He Was Returning Back He Saw The Same Morron Lying Backwards And He Asked The Morron That Some While Ago

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11: 00pm news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump, when the station cuts to a commercial.
Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going to jump.
Blonde: OK.
(Back to newscast: He jumped!)
Blonde: OK. I lost. Here's my $20 to you.
Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take it.
Blonde: I insist. I lost.
Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6: 00 p. m. news and I knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a good bet.
Blonde: I know, I saw the same newscast at 6 too. But I didn't think he'd be stupid enough to jump TWICE!

A man was travelling from Jerusalem to Jericho when he was at tacked by bandits. They stripped him of his clothes and money, beat him up and left him half dead on the roadside. By chance, a priest came along, but when he saw the man lying there, he crossed to the other side of, the road and passed by. Then a rabbi came along and saw the man, but he, too, passed by on the other side. Lastly, a social worker approached. He stopped, examined the man, looked deeply concerned and declared, "Whoever did this needs help."

> >ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING......... By Francie Baltazar-Schwartz
> >
> > Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always
> > in a good mood and always had something positive to say.
> > When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply,
> > "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
> >
> > He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who
> > had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason
> > the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a
> > natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was
> > there telling the employee how to look on the positive side
> > of the situation.
> >
> > Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to
> > Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all
> >of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied,
> >
> > "Each more...

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.

He said,' I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.' She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said,' It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'

She replied,' You mean it shows that, too?'