Professional Jokes / Recent Jokes

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur
Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to
hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God,
"Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are more...

Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? These truisms may shed light on reasons why.

Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees.

Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.

Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf course.

Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.

Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well they play.

Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments.

Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.

Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.

When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back more...

During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks".

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't believe what he's seeing.

"Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler", replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender?

"Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender thought about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw, you more...

A 400 pound man, drops from the school, gets himself an airplane ticket and boards the plane. He
seats himself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles himself in for the
trip, snoring soundly as curious passengers seated around watch him.
Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the man, wakes him up and says,' Sir, I'm sorry, but I
see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class I'm afraid you'll have to move."
The man replies, "I'm 400 pounds, and I'm a wrestler, and I'm going to New York to play professional
wrestling".
Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant. The senior attendant
approaches the blonde and says, politely, "I'm sorry, Sir, but since your ticket is for coach you'll
have to move back." The man replies angrily, "I'm 400 pounds, and I'm a wrestler, and I'm going to
New York to play professional wrestling" and more...

This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not
you are qualified to be a professional. SCROLL DOWN FOR THE
ANSWERS. There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that
difficult. You just need to think like a professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
..




The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the
giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in
a complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
..



Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and
close the door.






Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator remove the giraffe and put
in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your
foresight.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the
animals attend except one. Which more...

The founder of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "You've been a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world.
Your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented,
"So you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycles, eh?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..." God commented, "Well, what's the big deal about inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road!?!"
Arthur was embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me but aren't you the inventor of woman???"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "Professional to more...

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said more...