Pint Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A man walks in to the local pub holding a medium sized box. He places the box on the bar, takes a seat and asks the bar tender "if I show you something amazing, will you give me a free pint" the bar tender thinks for a while and agrees. The customer gently removes the lid of the box to reveal a small man playing away at a classical piano. The bar tender begins to pour a pint and asks in amazement "where did you get that" the customer responds "just outside the pub, I found a dented lamp in the rubbish, I rubbed it and out came a gene who granted me only one wish". The bar tender handed over the pint and asked "may I have the lamp so I could also have a wish". The customer didn't respond but smiled and put the lamp on the bar. The bar tender rubbed the lamp and out came a gene, "you have awaken me from me sleep, if you let me rest I will let you have one wish" the bar tender quickly says "I wish I had a million bucks" suddenly more...

    An Irishman, Englishman andScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands themover, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.The Englishman looksdisgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.The Scotsman picks out thefly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.The Irishman reaches in tothe glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit itout, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

    A big Scot is sitting in a bar, ranting as he downs his pints. He pounds his hand on the bar, says "You see this bar? I built this bar with me own two hands, a finer piece of work you'll newver find, but do they call me MacGregor the bar-builder? No!!" and he downs his pint and buys another.

    He points out the window. "See that dock in the lake? I built that dock with me own hands, a finer piece of work you'll newver find, but do they call me MacGregor the dock-builder? No!!" and downs his pint.

    He next pointed out the chair and table in the corner, the fence outside, all sorts of similar projects, and says "I built that with me own two hands, a finer piece of work you'll newver find, but do call me MacGregor the handyman? No!!"

    He stares into his beer, whispers, "And you fuck one sheep."

    A bear walks into a bar and takes a seat at the bar.
    "Can i get you anything mate?", says the barman.
    "yeah, ill have a pint of fosters and a... packet of peanuts please!"
    With that the bloke looks at the bear as he hands him the pint and says "ay maye, whats with the huge pause?"

    "Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one.""Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.""Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it""Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.""Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.""Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.""When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you' to give me a hand to turn the mattress.""Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last nights' Sopranos'. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened."My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle.""Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and more...

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