Patient Jokes

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid bastard!!!

Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead, when in reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally, the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical book and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed.
After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.
"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.
"Yes, I do," the patient replied. "Very well, then," the doctor said.
He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.
The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"
"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger... "Dead men do bleed!!"

A stuttering man finally decides to go to the doctor to see if his speech
impediment can be cured. The doctor thoroughly examines the man and finally
asks him to drop his pants.
Out comes this gigantic dick and the doctor pronounces the root of the problem
to be strain on the vocal chords from the effects of gravity being transmitted
up to the neck area.
The patient then asks, "wh-wh-at c-c-ca-an b-b-e d-d-done ab-b-bout- t-t i-i-
t?" to which the doctor replies, "modern surgery can work miracles. We can
replace your dick with one of normal size and the stuttering will disappear
right after the operation."
The patient eagerly agrees to the surgery, and as promised his stuttering
disappears.
About 3 months later the man returns to the doctor and complains, "doctor, I
am grateful to you for having cured me, but my wife really misses a big dick,
and rather than lose her I've decided to get my old dick back more...

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

This is a true story, as my mother is the subject.
For the uninitiated, a colonscopy is a medical procedure, performed by a surgeon, in which the inside of your colon is examined. The patient, mildly sedated, lies on their stomach and the surgeon uses an instrument inserted through the patient's rectum to "probe" the colon. My uncle being the unfortunate victim of colon cancer, my mother must now have a yearly colonsocopy.
Three years ago, when she went for the first one, she was lying on the table in the operating room, somewhat high from intravenous valium. Her surgeon was a very nice, young, very quiet fellow.
As he appraoched her from the rear, probing instrument in hand, my mother turned her head back around, looked him straight in the eye, and asked, "Does your mother know what you do for a living?"