Parenting Jokes / Recent Jokes
Mom’s Brownies Recipe
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr “no, no. ”
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat’s tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased more...
…This reminds me of something yesterday at work. A colleague was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over 2 years old. They were discussing geography and…
“Where does mommy live? ”
“Minneapolis. ”
“Where does grandma live? ”
“Baltimore. ”
“Where does grandpa live? ”
“Baltimore. ”
“And where does daddy live? ”
“At work! ”
Needless to say, he took the morning off that next day…
Parent’s Dictionary of Meanings
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you’re mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.
TOP BUNK: where more...
Once my cousin, who was expecting her second child, was advising her son Raju to be a good boy and drink his glass of milk. But Raju insisted on taking tea. When repeated efforts failed, his mother tried to cajole him and asked,' Raju, would you like me to give you a brother or a sister?'
'I would like to have a sister,' replied Raju.
'If you want to have a sister, you better drink your milk. If you take tea, you will get a brother.'
'Mummy, what would I get if I take coffee?' asked Raju.
Murphy's Laws Of Parenting... A child will not spill on a dirty floor. A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first, the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster. A young child is a noise with dirt on it. A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Celibacy is not hereditary. Familiarity breeds children. For adult education, nothing beats children. God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once and God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once. Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. Having children will turn you into your parents. If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment. If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable. Ill-bred children always display their pest manners. Insanity is inherited; more...
Great truths about life that adults have learned
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. There is always alot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due. The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires. Families are like fudge.... mostly sweet, with a few nuts. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"