Objects Jokes / Recent Jokes

Looking for a good place to party on Halloween? Check out these houses!
Bloomington, Indiana
Name: Indiana University
Location: unknown
This building, now used for administrative purposes, was once a stop on the "Underground Railroad". Today, there are many reports of African spiritual songs emanating from the basement.
Elletsville, Indiana
Name: Stepp Cemetery
Location: Morgan-Monroe forest
In this cemetery that is only accessible by foot, during midnight, an apparition of a lady appears on a rock that resembles a chair. On Halloween, many cult groups venture to this place to conduct ceremonies.
Evansville, Indiana
Name: The Gray Lady
Location: Willard Library - First Ave.
When this building was an abandoned train station, many drifters and hobos used it for shelter. During that time, a woman was murdered on the premises, and it is said that she still haunts the building. Her presence is most often felt in the children's more...

UNIFIED FIELD THEORY by TIM JOSEPH
In the beginning there was Aristotle,
At objects at rest tended to remain at rest,
And objects in motion tended to come to rest,
And soon everything was at rest,
And God saw that it was boring.
Then God created Newton,
And objects at rest tended to remain at rest,
But objects in motion tended to remain in motion,
And energy was conserved and momentum was conserved
and matter was conserved,
And God saw that it was conservative.
Then God created Einstein,
And everything was relative,
And fast things became short,
And straight things became curved,
And the universe was filled with inertial frames,
And God saw that it was relatively general, but some
of it was especially relative.
Then God created Bohr,
And there was the principle,
And the principle was quantum,
And all things were quantified,
But some things were still relative,
And God saw that it was more...

Introduction To Common Household Objects I - The Mop
Introduction To Common Household Objects II - The Sponge
Dressing Up - Beyond The Funeral And The Wedding
Refrigerator Forensics - Identifying And Removing The Dead
Design Pattern Or Splatter Stain On The Linoleum - You CAN Tell the Difference
Accepting Loss I - If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
Accepting Loss II - If The Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In The Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
Going To The Supermarket - It's Not Just For Women Anymore
Recycling Skills I - Boxes That The Electronics Came In
Recycling Skills II - Styrofoam That Came In The Boxes That The Electronics Came In
Bathroom Etiquette I - How To Remove Beard/Mustache Clippings From The Sink
Bathroom Etiquette II - Let's Wash Those Towels!
Bathroom Etiquette III - Five Easy Ways To Tell When You're About To Run Out Of Toilet Paper
Giving Back To The Community - How To Donate 15 Year Old Elvis To The more...

Hard objects may not be thrown by hand.

In Merryville women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."Excelsior Springs: Hard objects may not be thrown by hand. Excelsior Springs: Worrying squirrels is not tolerated. Kansas City: Minors are not allowed to purchase cap pistols, however they may buy shotguns freely. Kansas City: Installation of bathtubs with four legs resembling animal paws is prohibited. Marceline: Minors can buy rolling paper and tobacco but not lighters. Marquette: It is illegal for more than four unrelated persons to occupy the same dwelling (The Brothel Law). Mole: Frightening a baby is in violation of the law. Natchez: It shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants. Purdy: Dancing is strictly prohibited. St. Louis: A milk man may not run while on duty. University City: Four women more...

Unusual Case by William A. Morton, Jr, MDFrom "Medical Aspects Of Human Sexuality" July, 1991 p. 15Scrotum Self-RepairOne morning, I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles." The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red skin and black-and-blue scrotal skin.After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the more...

Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair,
soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar
principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in
their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward
motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's
surcease.
Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of
directed-pressure explosions more...

Suppose you have a professor hold up two apples and asks a class "How many objects am I holding?" you would probably get different responses from different majors like...
Business: Two Juicy, delious apples that are on sale at my store.
Chemistry: 6x10^30 apple molecules
History: You are holding dinosaur poop
Music: You are holding two objects that if you drop them you will get a D4
Education: Two Apples
Accounting: You are holding one apple because the other one has to go to the government as tax
Psycology: What objects?
Math: You are holding two sets of objects, that take up a finite amount of space called apples.
English: You are holding two lush pieces of fruit, that are nourishing and remind me of my dog Fido. Fido thy sweet fruit. So nourshing in my time of need, you fill me up with...
Art: Two apples (Ha, Ha...Thank goodness for photoshop. The perfect oportunity to take a picture of the professor and alter the picture so that I more...