Marie Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A spokeswoman for Marie Osmond has denied her client attempted suicide last week. "Marie was hospitalized for a bad reaction to medication," said the woman. "Her system cannot handle more than 19 sleeping pills at a time."

    These great questions and answers are from the "Hollywood Squares" game show. Responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and dull as they are now.
    Q. Do female frogs croak?
    A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their heads under water long enough.
    Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
    A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
    Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
    A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems like it sometimes.
    Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
    A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
    Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
    A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
    Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
    A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
    Q. In Hawaiian, does more...

    Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
    Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
    "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.
    "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!
    She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
    Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
    "Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie.
    "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
    They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss more...

    Top Ten Things Overheard at the Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie Presley Wedding
    10. Family to the left, plastic surgeons to the right.
    9. She could've used a little more of his eye-liner.
    8. I bet they didn't have to get married.
    7. I'll have to ask you to check your snake at the door, La Toya.
    6. I'm sorry, I can't find a Brooke Shields on the guest list, ma'am.
    5. There's that strange whirring sound again - as if some deceased rock star were spinning in his grave.
    4. I got you some his and hers towels. Split 'em up however you like.
    3. I'm Mr. Tito Jackson. You mean Dr. Tito Jackson? Yes I am.
    2. Ahhh! The ghost of Elvis is eating all the cake - oh, it's just Liz Taylor.
    1. I just heard on the weather channel - hell froze over.

    Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh Marie," she said to her maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband ishaving an affair with his secretary." "I don't believe it for one minute! " Marie snapped." You're just saying that to make me jealous! !!"

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