Managers Jokes / Recent Jokes

/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Spring 1996
*/
#include "stdio.h"
#include "dos.h"
#include "conio.h"
#include "win31.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
/*
Reference:
Internal memo: #99281-95
from: William H. Gates III
to: Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project
William H. Gates III wrote:
"I have serious doubts about the 'EASY'
installation-definition.
It might prevent customers to think that they actually
bought something _good_. Therefore I want the
installation-definition to be 'HARD'.
Carry on,
Bill
"
*/
#define INSTALL = HARD
void main()
{
while(! CRASHED)
{ display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if(first_time_installation)
{ more...

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FR: MANAGEMENT
SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained through out program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give out employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and out managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to take S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in more...

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES FR: MANAGEMENT SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained through out program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give out employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and out managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to take S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We more...

- Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get.
- Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it is hard to write, it should be hard to read.
- Real Programmers don't write application programmers, they program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming.
- Real Programmers don't eat quiche. Real Programmers don't even know how to spell quiche. They eat Twinkies, Coke and palate-scorching Szechwan food.
- Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.
- Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and the coward.
- Real Programmers don't use FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks, pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get more...

In the beginning there was a Plan.
And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the faces of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung we can not live with the smell." And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong and none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong."
And the Directors went unto their Vice Presidents saying unto them, "It promotes growth and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto more...

1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES

These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.

2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW

These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.

3) MANAGING BY POST-ITS®

Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their' busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-Its® while you are talking.

4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY

These managers just delegate everything to the secretary.

5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING

These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with irrelevant anecdotes.

6) MANAGING BY more...

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.
The consultant`s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.
So as race day neared again the following year, the American team`s management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering more...