Maintain Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Only the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) can assure economic prosperity. Only the CCP can maintain societal stability. No one wants freedom. All Chinese demand national reunification meaning that the mainland must take over Taiwan. The one child policy works. China is capitalist. The Tiananmen Massacre was necessary in order to prevent chaos. Only the CCP produces people capable of leading the country. Deng Xiaoping intended to implement democracy. 1 country 2 systems works. Mao unified China. Falun Gong wants to destroy China. The CCP opposes corruption. CCP is like the sun. The CCP cares about Chinese. The People's Liberation Army (PLA) has the ability to invade and take over Taiwan. The PLA won the 1979 war with Vietnam. 1 million dead PLA' volunteers' in Korea constituted a victory. The PLA knows how to maintain the modern Russian aircraft and ships that it purchased Zhu Rongji wants to clean up corruption. Mainland corruption is not creeping into Hong Kong. Falun Gong is a more...

    None. "We'll document it in the manual."
    None. It's a hardware problem.
    1. 000000001.
    Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
    Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.
    Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...
    Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
    Only one, but she's not available till the year 2000.
    "The change is 90% complete."
    "It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working."
    Of course, as more...

    Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord...

    1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.

    2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

    3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

    4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

    5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of more...

    Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

    1. Introduction

    The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

    2. Food

    In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

    a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

    LH741:"Tower, give me a rough timecheck!"
    Tower: "It's tuesday, Sir."

    Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
    Pilot: Yes.
    Tower: Yes what??
    Pilot: Yes, SIR!

    Tower: Shamu Two Two, please state estimated time of arrival.
    Pilot: Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday would be nice...

    Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo estabished ILS16."
    Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm and by the way: this is Wien Tower."
    Pilot: (short break) "Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker."
    Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!"
    Pilot: (short break again) "Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?"
    Tower: "You can believe me, this is Vienna!
    Pilot: (once again short break) "But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!"
    Tower: "Oscar more...

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