Mad Jokes / Recent Jokes
A Japanese man came to US and visited NY. He wanted to get his traveler‚s checks changed and went to the Citibank. He gave a traveler‚s check worth of 4000 Japanese yen, and got 266 US Dollars from the bank, he said "thank you" to the beautiful lady who was in the cash counter.
After two days he wanted to exchange some more money, and he went to the same bank, but to a different counter and gave a traveler‚s check worth of 4000 yen and got 220 US Dollars from the bank. This time he did not thank, because he got less Dollar amount. He understood something wrong in the transaction, and he got little mad and told the bank rep:
"I think your calculation is wrong, the other day I got 266 dollars for the same Yen amount from this bank. This is not correct... is that the way you people serve your customers, specially foreigners.?
The counter rep (a lady) said " fluctuation"(sounds like "fuc-u-asian" in American accent).
The more...
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol.
He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns
him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it
gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells,
"QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad
and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird
and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a
stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few
seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets
very more...
As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoebox on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it. For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Upon opening it, he found two doilies and $25, 000 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about its contents. “My mother gave me that box the day we married, ” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you. ” Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice. “What’s the $25, 000 for? ” he asked. “Oh, that’s the money I made selling the doilies, ” she answered.
Did you hear about the mad scientist who invented a gas that could burn through anything?
No, what about him?
Now he's trying to invent something to hold it in!
One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man:
"Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business there and it is very important for me. Here you have 100 francs for the favor. But I warn you sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent, but no matters what I do or say you got to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"
So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had said he fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man.
"Are you stupid or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn't, so I want my money more...
Never trust a dog to watch your food. When your dad is mad and asks you,' Do I look stupid?' don't answer. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Stay away from prunes. Never pee on an electric fence. Don't squat with your spurs on. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Never try to baptize a cat.
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God will get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a
lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how more...