Lift Jokes / Recent Jokes
2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift.
He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20, 000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
"R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20, 000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester more...
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know That a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she more...
Why does a flamingo lift up one leg? Because if he lifted up both legs it would fall over!
1.) Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
2.) A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
3.) Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
4.) For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
5.) Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
6.) Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
7.) Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
8.) Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
9.) We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
10.) Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
11.) Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
12.) Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or more...
International Travellers Bloopers1. On a French passenger jet: Live West Under Your Seat.2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.3. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.4. In an Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.5. In a Yugoslav hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.6. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.7. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.8. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension (???).9. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today: no ice cream.10. On the menu of a Swiss more...