"Funny Ads..." joke

1.) Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
2.) A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
3.) Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
4.) For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
5.) Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
6.) Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
7.) Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
8.) Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
9.) We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
10.) Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
11.) Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
12.) Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
13.) 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
14.) Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
15.) Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
16.) Illiterate? Write today for free help.
17.) Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
18.) At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: "Belt your family. It's the law."
19.) On a ski lift in Taos, NM: "No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted."
20.) A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads: "Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!"
21.) I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant. The sign read: "Women are not served here. You have to bring your own."
22.) In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
23.) In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."
24.) On a display of 'I love you only' Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
25.) In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
26.) In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
27.) In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
28.) In front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."
29.) Sign in a shoe store: "Come in and have a fit."
30.) Sign on fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
31.) Sign at the dry cleaner's window: "Drop your pants here."
32.) Sign in a Norwegian lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
33.) Sign in beauty shop window: "Dye now!"
34.) Sign on restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up."

A local business was looking for office help and put up a sign saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the more...

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There once was a good Baptist Minister, who in order to make his family's budget go a little further, rode a bicycle to Church and to Church functions. One day his bike turned up missing. He searched everywhere, but could not find it. Since it was a very small town he lived in, more...

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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud' hiss-pop' noise.' The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,' explains the guide.' more...

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Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.

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