Lieutenant Jokes / Recent Jokes

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was
driving down a muddy back road encountered
another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced
colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing
him the keys, "Yours is."

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa. After many hands, theLieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which theColonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it; this is the first time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand."

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge.
The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa.
After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar.
When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize.
The Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it; this is the first time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand."

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part
of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines,
the captain asked for questions.

Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen
to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"

"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air
and scatter oneself over a wide area."

General
Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.
Colonel
Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks to God.
Lieutenant-Colonel
Faster than an energetically thrown rock.
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three working days in advance.
Major
Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by more...

Build a Road the Army WayOne of my first jobs as a new Army lieutenant in Vietnam was to build a road across a rice paddy. Progress was slow because the paddy devoured most of the dirt we laid down. My superior officer, a major, appeared one day, determined to speed things up.His solution was to scrape the crust off the top of the paddy and with it, construct the road. He quelled my protestations with a stern,? Lieutenant, *I`m* in charge.?He ordered a bulldozer into the paddy, but the massive monster sank in the muck. Undaunted, the major ordered another dozer to help the first one out. It, too, was soon stuck. After a long silence, the major got into his jeep. His departing words were,?Lieutenant, you`re in charge.?

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in serveral night timeexcersises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation."Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.He replied, "No, just a bit apperhensive."I asked, "What's the diffrence??"He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."