Private Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Private Jones was assigned to the army induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the lieutenant stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
    Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said:
    "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
    "Now," he concluded, "which recruits do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

    A marine general, an army general and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men. The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get overhere!" The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?" The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!" Without hesitating, the private kills the man. The general says, "See? That man has balls!" The marine general says, That's nothing. Private, get over here!" The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?" The marine general says, "See that man over there? Kill him andthen kill yourself." Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blowsaway the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds. The marine general says, "See? Now that man has balls!" The admiral says, "That's nothing." He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump offthat tower!" The more...

    It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war games.
    A private came charging into his Lieutenant's office and said " Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?"
    "I don't have time to deal with this right now" the lieutenant thought.
    He grabbed a broom and handed it to the solder. "Here us this instead."
    "How is this going to work?"
    "When you see the bad guys coming at you, just point it at them and say 'Bangity Bang Bang'".
    So the private ran out with his new "rifle". But soon he came running back to the Lieutenant saying "Lieutenant, I can't find my bayonet!"
    The Lieutenant grabbed a pencil off his desk and gave it the private. "When you see the bad guys coming just hold this up and say 'Stabity Stab Stab.'"
    So the private was all ready for his war games. He was sitting in his fox hole minding his own more...

    A cavalry batallion has just been assigned a new Sargeant. The guy is a mean s.o.b. who wants to whip the troops into shape. He commands that they clean up the base.
    Right before he leaves, the sargeant sees this ratty old nasty horse and says, "And for God's sakes... get rid of this old horse".
    Later that night a private comes to the sargeant and pleads his case. "Sarge, I know that old horse is nasty but there's no women around and the old horse is the only thing we got."
    The sargeant sympathizes and allows them to keep the horse. A few weeks later the sarge is gettin' the old itch, so he decides he's gonna' give it a shot. He says, "Private... prepare the horse".
    He gets up on a stool and really has his way with this horse. When he finishes he says, "So private, is that the way the men do it?"
    The private responds, "Well Sir... we usually ride it into town to the whorehouse but I guess that could work too..."

    A general and a private are going to a city. At the next stop, a lady and her teenage daughter get on and sit down in the same cabin as the general and the private.
    They ride along and they get to a tunnel. The cabin is completely dark. This is what is heard: a kiss and then a slap.
    The mother thinks: That rude private kissed my daughter, but she showed him.
    The daughter thinks: That old nasty general kissed me, but my mother slapped him.
    The general thinks: Sombody hit me.
    The private thinks: I am pretty smart. I kiss the girl, and got to slap the general.

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