Lie Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Clinton's team of advisors have offered the following defense: Clinton NEVER told Lewinsky to lie in disposition! He told her to lie in THIS position.

It's easy to lie with a straight face, but it's nicer to lie with a curved body.

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair.
One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they
rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon
making passionate love. When they were finished they fell
asleep and didn't wake up till 8 o'clock.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary
to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.
Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking he's pretty weird).
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door.
Upset, she asks where he's been. The man replies "I cannot
tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today
we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon
making love then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and
says, "I see those grass stains on your shoes. You've been
playing golf again, haven't you!?"

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One
afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place
where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were
finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his
shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked,
thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the
door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie.
My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the
afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can
see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf
again, haven't you?"

Moral: An old-man that cannot lie
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse
meFather, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover
for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone
over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate
it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you
any questions", and she gave him the' hair remover'.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented
himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to
declare?
"From more...

Once there was this hunter, out in the forest, hunting bears.

As the hunter approached a clearing in the forest, he saw a bear. One of the biggest bears he'd ever seen. So he crouches down behind a largish rock, takes careful aim with his shotgun, and fires. After the smoke clears, he runs down to the clearing, and the bear's body is gone!

He searches the clearing, but to no avail. Then there's a tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. The hunter looks around, and it's the bear! "You just tried to kill me, didn't you?". Says the bear."Uh, no. No I didn't". The hunter, taken aback by a talking bear, lies."Yes you did. Don't lie, or I'll rip your arms off" "Uh, yeah, yeah I did." "Alright", says, the bear, "I'll let you go if you do one thing for me." "What's that?", inquires the hunter. "Give me a head-job." "What??" "On your knees" So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the more...

Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day there's an accident. Pat calls Mike's wife, Mary, and says: "Sure, and I hate to be tellin ya this, but there's been an accident down at the Guinness." "Saints Preserve us," says she, "is Mike alright?" Pat responds, "I'd like to tell ya that, but it'd be a lie!""Ya don't mean that me Mike's been hurt?" says Mary." Sure, an it's worse than that," says Pat, "he's fallen inta the beer vat and drowned!""Oh, well" says Mary, "At least it was quick, ya know he couldn't swim a lick!""Oh, I wish I could be tellin ya that," says Pat, "but it's be a lie. He got out three times ta pee!"