Lay Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    'Twas The Night Before Christmas,
    He Lived All Alone,
    In A One Bedroom House Made Of
    Plaster And Stone.
    I Had Come Down The Chimney
    With Presents To Give,
    And To See Just Who
    In This Home Did Live.
    I Looked All About,
    A Strange Sight I Did See,
    No Tinsel, No Presents,
    Not Even A Tree.
    No Stocking By Mantle,
    Just Boots Filled With Sand,
    And On The Wall Pictures
    Of Far Distant Lands.
    ith Medals And Badges,
    Awards Of All Kinds,
    A Sobering Thought
    Came To My Mind.
    For This House Was Different,
    So Dark And So Dreary,
    The Home Of A Warrior,
    Now I Could See Clearly.
    The Warrior Lay Sleeping,
    Silent, Alone,
    Curled Up On The Floor
    In This One Bedroom Home.
    The Face Was So Gentle,
    The Room In Such Disorder,
    Not How I Pictured
    A United States warrior.
    Was This The Hero
    Of Whom I'd Just Read?
    Curled Up On A Poncho,
    The Floor more...

    This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his head stuck in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the experience would be funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you right up front that he's fine. Getting him out wasn't easy, though, and the process included numerous home remedies, a plumber, two cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case of mistaken identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.

    My husband, Rich, and I had just returned from a vacation in the Cayman Islands, where I had been sick as a dog the whole time, trying to convince myself that if I had to feel lousy, it was better to do it in paradise. We had arrived home at 9 p.m., a day and a half later than we had planned because of airline problems. I still had illness-related vertigo, and because of the flight delays, had not been able to prepare the class I was supposed to teach at 8:40 the next morning. I sat down at my desk to think and around ten more...

    As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but Ive slept with dozens of them."His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"

    > PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his
    > constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
    > bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally
    > let fly -- and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
    > Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
    > ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him
    > like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's
    > unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck
    > his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to
    > evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police
    > detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that
    > dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that
    > time he suffocated. "It seems to be more...

    Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight? She wanted to get a dark tan.

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