Knife Jokes / Recent Jokes

This guy goes to the zoo one day. While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "F**k you!" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage more...

The OJ trial as Told by Dr. Seuss

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.

I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a limo, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be!

When I came home, I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.

My friend, he took me for a ride.
All through LA, from side to side.
From north to south, we took a ride.
But from the cops we could not hide.

My trial lasted for a year.
A year! A year! Just sitting here!
The DNA, the HEM, the HAW!
The circus-hype the viewers saw!
A year! A year! Just sitting here!

Did you do this awful crime?
Did you do this anytime?
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, more...

While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the man senseless. When the man came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "F*ck you!" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it more...

T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the trailor.
My sister woke up, while I was trying to nail' er.
The socks was all hung, on my big mounted bass,
In hopes that St. Leon would be hauling ass.
The young'uns bunked down, all snug on the floor,
Each one had a dip, so they slept near the door.
Sis in her 105 shirt, and her John Deere cap,
Looked purty as a naked silouhette on a truck mud flap.
When out in the dog pen, there arose such a clatter,
I got up from sis, to see what was the matter.
When what to my swollen red eyes should I see,
A pink Coup De Ville, 1973.
He staggered so much, I thought, "What was he on"?
And could I buy some of that, from old St. Leon?
All my dogs started barkin, he started to shout,
Dog's hate St. Leon, you figure it out.
"Hey Whitey, Hey Crackerboy", he called me by name,
So I called off my dogs, and hauled up the game.
When he stepped more...

There was this little girl whose name was Texas and then there was a teenage boy who just recently got out of a Detention Center for murder. It was the kids birthday and for some odd reason his mother got him a knife but told him to be Extra careful with it! Texas had her first day of school she had just moved and when the teacher asked her what her name was, she replied "Texas." Of course the teacher didn't believe her so she sent her home for lying. On her way home she bumped into the boy who had the knife in his hand. He roughly told her that if she didn't tell him her name he would kill her. SHe repilied "my name is Texas." He stabbed her once and ran home. When he walk in the door his mom asked him what he did with his knife today. He told her, "It's deep in the heart of TEXAS!"

Once There Were 4 Aliens. One Alien Went To School And Learnt I, The Second Alien Went To His Friends House And Learnt Because He Stole My Pencil, The Third Alien Went To A Restaurant And Learnt With A Fork And Knife And The Forth Alien Went To Disco And Learnt Yahoo! !! One Day They Came Across A Dead Man. The Police Came And Asked The Aliens: Police-"Who Killid This Man" 1st Alien- I Police-"Why Did U Kill Him" 2nd Alien-"Because He Stole My Pencil." Police-"With What Did U Kill Him" 3rd Alien-"With A Fork And Knife" Police-"All Of U R Going To Jail" 4th Alien-"Yahoo!!!"

A blonde just bought a new $80,000 sports car. She was driving it for the first time when a very large truck driver motions for her to pull over.
A little afraid, she does as shes told. The truck driver draws a white circle with chalk and tells the blonde to get out of her car and stand in the circle and dont move.
She does as shes told, and the truck driver gets out a knife and starts cutting her leather seats.
She starts laughing. The truck driver asks, "Why are you laughing?"
She just kept laughing, so the truck driver starts pouring gas all over her seats.
The blonde starts cracking up, and he asks, "Why are you laughing?"
She just kept laughing, so the truck driver pulled out his knife again and pops all her tires, she starts laughing histarically. He asks, "Why are you laughing?" She answers, " Well, when you werent looking I stepped out of the circle three times..."