Judgment Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A Cowboy's Guide to Life
    Never squat with yer spurs on.
    There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
    Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
    If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
    After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
    He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
    The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
    If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
    Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
    It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
    Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
    Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
    Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
    Always drink upstream from the herd.
    Never drop more...

    One evening after the theatre, two men were walking down Broadway when they
    saw a well-dressed and attractive woman walking just ahead of them. One man
    turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50 to sleep with that woman."
    To their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark and, turning
    around, said, "I'll take you up on that." She looked neat and sounded
    educated so, bidding his companion goodnight, the lucky man accompanied the
    young lady to her flat, where they immediately went to bed.
    Next morning the man presented her with $25 and prepared to leave. But she
    demanded the rest of the money and threatened, "If you don't give it to me,
    I'll sue."
    The man only laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on those
    grounds."
    He was surprised to receive a summons the next day, ordering his presence in
    court as a defendant in a lawsuit. When he told his lawer the details more...

    1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
    2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
    3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
    4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
    5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
    6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
    7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
    8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
    9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
    10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
    11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. more...

    A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven - others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

    After watching Satan do this several times, the fellows curiosity got the better of him. So he strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder.

    'Excuse me, Prince of Darkness,' he said.' Im waiting in line for judgment, but I couldnt help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?'' Ah, those...' Satan said with a groan.' They're all from Seattle; theyre too wet to burn!'

    Good judgment comes from bad experience,
    and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

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