Italians Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Q: How many Italians does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan. (Refers to the Italian restaurant habit of sprinkling everything with Parmesan, even though it makes everything smell convincingly of sick.)

    One night, God spoke to a preacher to tell him what he wanted him to do. After God had briefed him on his mission, the minister decided to ask him a question. "God," he said, "What is heaven like?" God replied, "Well, normally I don't tell people this, but since you are my servant, I guess I can tell you. Heaven will be like a city. It will have the best of everything. For example, the French will be the chefs; the Italians will be the lovers; the English will be the policeman; the Germans will be the mechanics; and the Dutch will be the politicians!" The man looked pleased. "What is hell like?" he asked. "Well," he said with a sigh, "the French will be the mechanics; the Italians will be the politicians; the English will be the chefs; the Germans will be the policemen; and the Dutch will be the lovers."

    Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
    Hundred Years' War: Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
    Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
    Wars of religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
    Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
    War of Devolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
    The Dutch War: Tied
    War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label more...

    You know you are addicted to your Italian roots when...
    You pay the paperboy with LIRA
    You answer your neighbors by grunting and saying, "No speaka Engleesh!"
    You tell people that Raffaele, Michelangelo and Donatello of Ninja Turtle fame are your first cousins.
    You start calling your wife Gina and tell her you'll be happy to pay for breast enlargements.
    You carry Italian road maps in your glove compartment
    You can recite the name of every province in Italy in 2 minutes (and you can spell them in 4 minutes).
    You get arrested at the Mall after the police don't accept your explanation that Italians are overcome by a natural urge to pinch buttocks after 22 women identity you
    You leave work at 10 AM because it's quitting time in Rome.
    You call WPIX-TV in NYC to ask why the Yankee announcers ARE speaking English
    You spray paint over the chrome "Buick" emblem on your automobile and write "FIAT" in 12 inch letters
    You more...

    How many Italians does it take to screw in the light bulb?
    Three. One to screw it in, and two to shoot the witnesses.

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