Israeli Jokes / Recent Jokes

A JOKE doing the rounds of Delhi's diplomatic cocktail circuit, though slightly over the line of propriety, deseryes to be told because it llustrates the kind of feelings that obtain between Indians and Pakistanis. It is said that the President of the Soviet Union was celebrating his silver jubilee. As head of State he desired that all countries accredited to it should present him with the best of its products. First came the American ambassador with a brand new Cadillac. The President graciously accepted the gift. It was followed by the British ambassador presenting the latest model of a Roll's Royce. The President was delighted and desired that his thanks be conveyed to Queen Elizabeth II. The next was the ambassador of Israel. He had brought a new variety of elongated lemon developed in his country. The President was furious and ordered the lemon to be put up the Israeli's posterior. Then came the Indian ambassador. He presented a luscious Alphonso mango. The President was not more...

The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters. In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes. Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow. His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon. He told his Syrian guest, "Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles.""No, no - you don't understand!" the Syrian replied. "Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!"

So the Jamaicans did it with "Cool Runnings"... not to be outdone, the Israelis had the best downhill slalom skier in the world.
They went up to the Winter Olympics with high hopes of the Gold Medal. Through the practices they watched the Austrians, the Swiss, the Germans, the Italians and the Swedish ski down the hill and through the gates.
But the Israeli KNEW that he had it in the bag. He had easily beaten every one of those other guys times!
Come the day of the competition, the Israeli is drawn to ski last. They watched the Austrian - 35.7 seconds. Then the Italian, 35.2... and so on, until it came to the Israeli entry.
The coach waited anxiously at the bottom... 6 and a half MINUTES later, the Israeli crossed the line!
The coach was furious. "What the h*ll happened to you?!" he screeched.
"It wasn't my fault!" yelled back the skier. "Some b*st*rd nailed a mezzuzah to every gate!"

Requesting a three day passAn Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?""Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.

In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.

Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow.

His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon.

He told his Syrian guest, "Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles."

"No, no - you don't understand!" the Syrian replied. "Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!"

An American and an Israeli are busy bragging.
The American states, "Oh yeah, well it was the Americans that put the first man on the moon!"
The Israeli scoffs, "Big deal. Israel is working on putting the first man on the SUN!!"
The American re-scoffs, "Idiot! You can't put a man on the sun. .. he'll burn up!!"
The Israeli smiles winningly, "Shows how much you know. .. we're going at night!"

The Israeli soldier had been in the army only a week, but already he was sick of the long hours and regimentation. He asked his superior officer for leave. The officer laughed and said he could have a weekend pass under one condition: He had to capture a Syrian tank.
Undaunted, the soldier left and an hour later returned with a spanking new Syrian tank.
Shocked, the commanding officer walked over as the soldier climbed from the hatch.
"I don't believe it!" he said, running his hand along the bazooka plate. "You must tell me how you did it."
"Simple," said the soldier. "I drove into the DMZ, saw a Syrian soldier, asked him if he wanted a weekend pass, and we swapped tanks."