Defense Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -it went like this: Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
    A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
    Q: Officer, who provided this description?
    A: The officer who responded to the scene.
    Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
    A: Yes sir, with my life.
    Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer-do you have a locker room in the police station-a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
    A: Yes sir, we do.
    Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
    A: Yes sir, I do.
    Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
    A: Yes sir.
    Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those more...

    Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek-----------------------------------------There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision. Medical Technology------------------------On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and sealyour ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices. Transporter--------------It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that more...

    Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren'tprepared for the answer: In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called hisfirst witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. Heapproached her and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?" Sheresponded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you sinceyou were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointmentto me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talkabout them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when youhaven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything morethan a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed acrossthe room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She replied, "Why yes, I do. I' ve known Mr. Bradley since he was ayoungster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. Hecan't build a normal more...

    Defense Attorney: What is your age?
    Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.
    Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
    Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
    Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
    Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
    Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
    Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
    Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
    Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
    Defense Attorney: Why not?
    Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
    Defense Attorney: What happened next?
    Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
    Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
    Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
    Defense Attorney: Why not?
    Little old Woman: Why, Your more...

    The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters. In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes. Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow. His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon. He told his Syrian guest, "Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles.""No, no - you don't understand!" the Syrian replied. "Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!"

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