Hook Jokes / Recent Jokes

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?", Yes, I was a salesman in the country", said the lad.

The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you. The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5: 00 came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?".

"One" said the young salesman.

"Only one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth??.

"Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars" said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well", said the salesman "this man came in and I more...

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible! ” “What do you mean? I’m fine. ” “What about that wooden leg? You didn’t have that before. ” “Well, ” said the pirate, “We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I’m fine, really. ” “Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands. ” “We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really. ” “Oh, ” said the bartender, “what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes. ” “One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye. ” “You’re kidding, ” said the bartender, “you couldn’t have lost an eye just from some bird crap! ” “Well, I more...

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the area--you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad.
The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss arrived and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Thirty-eight thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman, "This man came in and more...

Don't ever lie to us; we always find out.
We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.
Don't say you understand when you don't.
Girls are petty; get over it.
You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like.
Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.
If you talk about having a big dick; we know you don't.
Size does matter.
We don't like it when you act like Mr. Big; we like it when you are Mr. Big.
A system in your car only impresses your homeboys.
No matter what you say, your ex-girlfriend is a hoe.
It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.
If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.
Be spontaneous; dinner and a movie won't always cut it.
We are self-conscious by nature; we can't help it.
We are drama queens.
Fashion police do exist.
Don't ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it.
We more...

What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who was looking for juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red, "I'm sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your pegleg."

"Well, I was thrown from the ship during gale force winds, and before me mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off!"

The interviewer was sort of disappointed. "What about the hook at the end of your right arm?"

"I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard!"

Again the reporter was disappointed. "Certainly there's an exciting story about the patch on your eye?"

"One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and pooped in me eye!"

The reporter was amazed. "That's why you wear a patch?"

"Well, I'd only had me hook a couple of days!"

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite, And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa S**thead, whoa A**hole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your more...