Hold Jokes / Recent Jokes

THE NIGHT BEFORE RAMADAN
by Kurl
'Twas the night before Ramadan, and all through Kabul,
With the Taliban facing the end of their rule;
Bin Laden was crouching, all snug in his lair,
For soon he would hang in the town's public square;
As he hid in his cave, dirt and rocks for his bed
Our brave Special Forces will soon hand him his head;
And then deep in his bunker, a THUNDEROUS CLAP!
As Osama prepared for the ultimate nap.
As our B-52s did relentlessly batter,
All his troops and companions attempted to scatter.
From their cavernous fortress, a near blinding flash,
And the Taliban soldiers became corned beef hash.
In December, Afghanistan's covered in snow,
Will it slow our campaign? Hell, the answer is NO!
Our resolve, it is strong, and our mission is clear,
As we wipe off their faces that most hideous sneer.
It will not be tomorrow, it may not be quick,
For these goons spawn from evil, their motives are more...

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub more...

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrive cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler more...

Seventy Six Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)
Seventy six lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons...
Hold it! Hold it!. That's Cesium 131. Half life only about 9.69 days.
Let's go for immortality here. Worth a shot anyway...
Seventy Eight Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)
Seventy eight lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons joined the press.
And the eletronettes were a-whirling in duets,
All but one, the singular miss Six S.
Seventy eight nubile neutrons writhed in close array,
Half a hundred and ten lusty protons swelled the crowd.
And the electron pairs played blue photonic airs,
From within a shining quantum cloud.
There were pions, muons, quarks and other fermions,
Tunneling, tunneling, in a state of partial dress.
'Till an oily bit of water came a wandering,
And miss Six S got in a great big mess.
Seventy eight screaming more...

From "Little Moron' Stories" by Ernest W. Baughman, 'Hoosier Folklore Bulletin' 1943. - Quoted in B.A. Botkin (ED) A Treasury of American Folklore, Newyork: Crown Publishers, 1944.
Little moron was painting the house when another one came up and said, "Got a good hold on that brush?"
"Yep."
"Well, if you are sure you got a good hold on that brush I'll borrow your ladder for a second."
"O.K. but don't keep it long. The handle of this paint brush is kind of slippery."
Little moron's wife send him down town after a bucket of ice. He came back with a pail of water. "I got this for half price because it was melted."
Little moron took two slices of bread and went down and sat on the street corner waiting for the traffic jam. A big truck came along and gave him a jar.
Q: Why did the little moron go to the lumber yard?
A: To look for his draft board.

A lady goes for her first golf lesson.
The pro says, "You've got to hold the club like you hold your husband's organ."
She takes the club and hits the ball.
He says, "Beautiful. Perfect shot. Right down the fairway. Now, take the club out of your mouth, put it in your hands, and we'll go for distance."

My grand-daddy worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a young fella, and he used to tell me, when I was a little nipper, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work of blacksmithing.One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the wood shed, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could.After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes... Then, he started putting potatoes in the sacks...DOH!