Hick Jokes / Recent Jokes
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to more...
. .. Ambulance is a mule driven buckboard with a spinning lantern.
... Nurses wear flour sack uniforms and look like burned out cloggers.
... Dogs hang around O.R. for scraps.
... Maternity Room is a do-it-yourself with fresh straw, a jack knife and a string.
... Anesthesiologist in bib overalls, feeds you a clear liquid out of a mason jar.
... Your Gynecologist is Ernest.
... Your Proctologist, who watched Deliverance 200 times, asks you if can squeal like a pig.
... The Interns are led by Ernest T. Bass.
... Surgical instruments include a stick of dynamite and a chain saw.
... Hospital food consist of picking-your-own corn on the roof.
... Immunizations are worn fanny-packs, full of lizard's feet, owl's beaks and pig's ears.
... Double By-Pass Surgery is only done when it's shown on The Learning Channel.
... You have a choice of walkers, with or without more...
10. Rehearsal dinner held at Hooters
9. Instead of "friends of the bride or friends of the groom," ushers ask "Ford or Chevy?"
8. Bridesmaids -- pink tube tops; bridegrooms -- Travis Tritt T-shirts
7. Phrase "I do" replaced by "I heard that"
6. Tender rendition of "The Wedding Song" performed by Pinkard & Bowden
5. When minister asks "who giveth this woman to be married," some guy in the back stands up and hollers, "Earnhardt!"
4. Reception conversation includes the phrase, "So what have you been doing since' Hee Haw,' Mr. Lindsay?"
3. Snack trays at reception: Vienna sausages and nacho cheese Doritos
2. Plans for the honeymoon evening include tickets to the "Monster Truck Show"
1. Sign in front of the church: No shirt... No shoes... No problem
1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False
2. A pubic hair is a type of wild rabbit.
True or False
3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False
5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False
6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False
7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False
8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False
9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False
10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False
11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
True or False
12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False
13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False
14. Foetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False
15. An umbilical cord more...
Collards is green,
My dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky
To have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
Jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
Right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
When you shave under yore arms,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
And awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles
And fix what you more...
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled,' 'Pull, Nellie, pull!'' Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered,' 'Pull, Buster, pull!'' Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded,' 'Pull, Coco, pull!'' Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said,' 'Pull, Buddy, pull!'' And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said,' 'Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!''
' Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On, A Cowboy's Guide To Life'
by Texas Bix Bender
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Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Never ask a man the size of his spread.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks more...