Herd Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was a blonde named Candi. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes. So one day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible.

With her new car, she went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the shepherd over.

"That's a nice flock of sheep," she said.

"Well, thank you," said the herder.

"Tell you what... I have a proposition for you," said the woman.

"Okay," replied the herder.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" asked the woman.

"Sure."

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382."

"Wow!" said the herder, "That's amazing. You're exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep more...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look,
"What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

Once upon a time there was a blonde. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes and she was sick of all the blonde jokes.
One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheepherder over.
"That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said.
"Well thank you.", said the herder.
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"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman.
"Okay.", replied the herder. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman.
"Sure.", said the sheepherder. So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382".
"Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."
So the woman went and picked one more...

The following is an actual excerpt from Forbes magazine:
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass.
Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, more...

How do you count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.

One day a blonde, tried of being made fun of for her hair color, decided that she should trick some people by dying her hair brown. Now, the newly-brunetted blonde went off in search of someone to prove her intelligence to.The first person she came to was a farmer watching his herd of sheep. "What a great opportunity," thinks the blonde. So, she walks up to him and says "Hey, if I can tell you how many sheep are in that whole herd without counting, will you give me one of them?" Now, it was a very big herd, so the farmer says, "Why not? So, what's your guess?""368," the blonde-in-disguise replies.The farmer is shocked, that's exactly the right answer! Well, the blonde claimed her prize, and was smugly walking away, when the farmer ran back up to her."Um, Miss?" he said, "If I can guess your real hair color, will you give me back my dog?"

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here’s how it went: “Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers. ”