Five Jokes / Recent Jokes

This is a wonderful time of year when the humans decorate the home for us cats in anticipation of the visit from "Santa Claws." The tree went up yesterday, and so did we! Whee! Made it to the fourth branch within the first five minutes before the Big Owner chased us out of the tree.
So, as we do every year, we waited and watched the humans decorate the Cat-mas tree with all sorts of these things humans call "ornaments."
We call them "cat toys."
Ornaments are invitations to a cat, bright and shiny spheres just
daring us to knock them off. And we're pretty good at it,
considering all the trees they've decorated.
Every year humans hang the ornaments a little higher out of our
range, forcing us to elevate our game to knock them off. Humans
"ohhh and ahhh" as they decorate the Cat-mas tree. Us? We salivate in anticipation of the night's activities.
The humans retire to bed, as is custom during Cat-mas more...

Submitted by Darcy

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING

This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.' Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with' Fine'.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD more...

My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children:
The First Step
First child: My wife grabbed the camera; I grabbed the video camera. My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing place and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best picture blown up to 24" x 36" and framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man.
Second child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of video. The next day we took the film and had it developed by a twenty-four hour developing center. I took the best picture and put it into my wallet.
Third child: We couldn't find the video camera and we only had five shots left on the roll of film. We took all five shots but I more...

A hospital posted a notice in the nurse's lounge saying: "Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous." Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty risky, too."

A guy stops to talk to a beautiful woman standing alone by a bus stop. "Hello, I must say, you are about the most beautiful women I have ever met."
"Thank you very much, replied the women."
The guy quickly follows up, "I was wondering if you'd sleep with me for a million dollars?"
"A million dollars!" the girl responds. She thinks for a moment and answers, "Yes, I would sleep with you for a million dollars."
"How about five bucks," responds the guy. "Five Bucks!, What kind of woman do you think I am?"
"We've already determined that," he replies. "Now we are just haggling over the price".

A whole family was caught in a small boat during a sudden storm off the shores of Florida, but towed to safety in Fort Lauderdale by the ever alert U.S. Coast Guard.
"I always knew God would take care of us," said the composed five year old daughter of the boat owner after the family got home.
"I like to hear you say that," beamed the mother. "Always remember that God is in his heaven watching over us."
"Oh, I wasn't talking about that God," the five year old interrupted.
"I was talking about the COAST God."

An unmarried Rabbi is on an empty train when a sexy, beautiful woman walks into his empty carriage, carrying a foot long, BLT, Subway sandwich and proceeds to sit down opposite him.
After twenty minutes of emabarrasingly trying to avoid looking at the sexy woman opposite the train comes to a sudden halt and a voice comes over the speakers explaining that the Five Minute Warning has just gone off and that soon the UK will be under nuclear attack.
Shocked at this dreadful and sudden news the Rabbi's thoughts quickly turn to the fact that he will probably be dead within the next five minutes. However instead of taking comfort from his faith and religious training he begins to consider all the things he never did and all the experiences he missed out on due to the religious life he chose to lead.
He quickly realises that he is going to die a virgin too, as he is quite a young Rabbi and he never married. Feeling close to despair at this thought and all the other opportunities more...