Disease Jokes / Recent Jokes
Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease...Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards.Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.Your cow asks you to more...
How Dogs and Men Are the Same: (men keep reading, you'll get your turn)
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
How Dogs Are Better than Men:
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
You can train a more...
"Did you know that last month's (expletive) phone bill is over $450?" my wife scolded me in her harshest, my-husband-the-child voice. "That's more than twice the monthly payment you make for that (expletive)computer!" she continued as she escalated to screaming.
"I confess! I confess!" I sobbed. "I'm just an on-line junkie. I'm addicted to my modem! I guess I'll just have to join Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to the phone company. "As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations of the preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem fever, is exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our society's computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the very foundations of our country and there seems to be no stopping it. This disease (yes, it is a social disease of almost epidemic proportions) is becoming a such calamity that soon there's even going to be a soap opera about on-line addiction named, more...
The engagement.
Ruth and Golda were walking along Hendon High Street.
Ruth says, "My son Irving is getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may have a disease called herpes.
Golda says, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"
Ruth replies, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving`s engagement - it`s time he settled down. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?"
"Well," says Golda, "I have a very good medical dictionary at home. I`ll look it up and call you."
So Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth. "Ruth, I found it. Not to worry. It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles."
Q: First Cow: "Do you worry about getting Mad Cow Disease?"
A: Second Cow: "Nah, I'm a penguin."
Patient: Doctor, I Am Suffering From Forgetfulness.
Doctor: From When Are You Suffering From This Disease?
Patient: Which Disease Are You Talking About?