Disease Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the more...

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking
the main cause of Mad Cow disease.

The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the
possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this
disease?"

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull
mounts a cow only once a year?"

The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed):" Well, sir, that's a new
piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon
and Mad Cow disease?"

The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what
about getting to the point?"

The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was
playing with your tits twice a day and only
screwing you once a year, wouldn't you more...

Mad Cow Disease
One day two cows were chatting over the fence separating their two fields. The first cow said, "I'm telling you, this mad cow disease is getting pretty scary! I've heard it's spreading so fast that it's already on Farmer Rubin's land just down the road!"
The second cow replied, "So what? It doesn't affect us chickens!"

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still more...

"Did you know that last month's (expletive) phone bill is over $450?" my wife scolded me in her harshest, my-husband-the-child voice. "That's more than twice the monthly payment you make for that (expletive)computer!" she continued as she escalated to screaming.
"I confess! I confess!" I sobbed. "I'm just an on-line junkie. I'm addicted to my modem! I guess I'll just have to join Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to the phone company. "As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations of the preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem fever, is exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our society's computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the very foundations of our country and there seems to be no stopping it. This disease (yes, it is a social disease of almost epidemic proportions) is becoming a such calamity that soon there's even going to be a soap opera about on-line addiction named, more...

Two cows are grazing in a pasture enjoying their grass. At around noon they decide to lay under a tree, chew their cud, and talk for awhile.

The first cow says to the other, "Have you heard about that awful new Mad Cow Disease?"

The second cow, chewing her cud says, "Yea, I heard about."

The first cow says, "Well, I'm really worried! I heard that a lot of the cows in the pasture down the road have caught it!"

The second cow says, "Yea I heard."

The first cow says, "Well you don't seem to worried about it!"

The second cow says, "I'm Not worried."

Irate now, the first cow says, "how can you just lay there, and not worry about such a horrible Disease!?"

The second cow says, "Easy, because I can't catch it"

The first cow says, "And Just What Makes Think That!!!"

The second says, "Because more...

Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease...
* Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
* She refuses to let you milk her, saying, "Not on the first date."
* Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of her ears.
* Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
* Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
* Your cow demands to be branded with the "Golden Arches" logo.
* Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
* Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
* Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
* She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
* Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.
* Your cow starts smoking her grass rather than eating it.
* Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards.
* more...