Damn Jokes / Recent Jokes
An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct more...
December 14thDearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With dearest love and affection, Agnes--------------------------------------December 15thDearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes--------------------------------------December 16thDear John: Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind. Love Agnes---------------------------------------December 17thToday the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes----------------------------------------December 18thDearest John: What a surprise! Today more...
ALABAMA:
Literacy Ain't Everything
ARKANSAS:
Exporters of Everything But Honesty
CALIFORNIA:
Se Habla Ingles
FLORIDA:
The Gunshine State
GEORGIA:
The Culture State: Jews and Negroes Allowed Since 1993
INDIANA:
Home of Dan Quayle
KANSAS:
Don't Blame Us, We Voted For Dole
KENTUCKY:
Tobacco is a Vegetable
LOUISIANA:
I Drink, Therefore I Am
MARYLAND:
We're Better Than Virginia, Damn It!
MINNESOTA:
Land of 10,000 Lakes and a Lot of Really WHITE People
MISSOURI:
We're kinda to the west of Indiana and east of Kansas... and oh yeah we're right near Iowa!
MONTANA:
Only a few of us are nutbar freaks who build bombs and put them in the mail.
NEW JERSEY:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
NEW YORK:
People say we're ambivalent and more...
Dear Diary:
Aug. 1 - Moved to our new house in Maine. It is so beautiful here. The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered with snow. I LOVE IT HERE.
Oct. 14 - New England is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all different colors. I love the shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the hills and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I LOVE IT HERE.
Nov. 11 - Deer season will open soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquility. Hope it will snow soon. I LOVE IT HERE.
Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looked like a postcard. Went outside and cleaned snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight today (I won). When the snowplow came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a more...
A man finally goes with his wife to church, after promising her for weeks that he'd go. Surprisingly, the man was so impressed with the preacher's sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.
"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMN fine sermon."
The preacher says, "Why thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in the house of the Lord."
The man says, "But preacher, seriously, I'm not a religious man, but that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever heard."
The preacher says again, "Sir, while I appreciate what you're trying to say, I must be blunt: DO NOT use curse words in the Lord's house again."
The man says, "Well, anyway, I was so impressed with your sermon that I placed $5000 dollars in the collection plate".
"No Shit?" says the Preacher.
Multiple Choice:
1. You log-on to:
A) Check your stock portfolio.
B) Meet new people and hang out.
C) Deny the punt beast his glory.
2. This week you spent:
A) 2-10 hours online.
B) Gee, probably about 20 hours online if you include flash sessions.
C) What day is it? (Give yourself “C” point credits if you’ve been on line since last week)
3. “Hell” can be best defined as:
A) A fiery dimension of eternal torture and penance.
B) Waiting in line at the DMV.
C) “The system is temporarily unavailable. Please try again in 15 minutes. ”
4a. You experience the greatest amount of stress when:
A) You are caught in rush hour traffic.
B) You realize you don’t have enough money to pay your bills.
C) You receive 17 IM’s while in the middle of a riveting chat in a crowded room.
4b. Extra Credit: The answer to 4a is not “B” because:
A) You have money you can pull out more...
December 14
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
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December 15
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 16
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my more...