Damn Jokes / Recent Jokes

Justice, American Style
The following exchange happened last March 5 on the show "Politically Incorrect," between Bill Maher, the host, and lawyer Leslie Abramson, who defended the Menendez brothers:
Bill: When do lawyers give a damn about the facts?
Leslie: When did you or Geraldo give a damn about the facts?
Bill: You defended the Menendez kids. What do you care about facts?
Leslie: I don't remember seeing you in the courtroom, Bill, so you absolutely don't know anything about the trial.
Bill: I knew they blew their parents' heads off.
Leslie: No, they didn't. They didn't blow their parents heads off.
Bill: The Menendez kids didn't blow their parents heads off?
Leslie: No!
Bill: What did they do?
Leslie: They unloaded shotguns in their direction.

One day an older fella was in for a checkup.After his examination, his doctor was amazed."Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in thegreatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!""Did I say I was 64?""Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?""Damn straight you did! I'm 85!""85! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were25! How old was your father when he died?""Did I say he was dead?""You mean...""Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!""My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your grandfather live?""Did I say he was dead?""No! You can't mean...""Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!""126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't thinka man would want to get married at that age!""Did I say he 'wanted' to get married?..."

Twas the Night before X-mas
T'was the night before christmas- Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and through down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of thanks Santa what do I hear
The Old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money the reindeers all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes-if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money
And the kids these days- they all are the pits
They want the impossible... Those mean litttle shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls....Their arms, legs, and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's No request for them
They want more...

One day there are two priests playing golf, the first one of them is putting fo the hole but misses by an inch. He Says "
Damn missed the bugger!"
The other says "
don't speak that language, your a priest!"
So they go on to the next hole and he misses again, he says "
Missed the bugger"
The other says "
don't speak that language, your a priest!"
This keeps on happening for a few more holes, until the second priest is so frustrated and angry he throws his club down on the ground and yells "
If you say that one more time I swear God will strike you down!"
So on the next hole the first one just misses and he says "
Damn, missed the bugger!"
Then they hear this great rumbling in the sky and the second one is hit by lightning.
Then God says "
Missed the bugger!!!"

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said,' Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

But I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.

Twas the Night before X-masT'was the night before christmas- Old Santa was pissedHe cussed out the elves and through down his listMiserable little brats, ungrateful little jerksI have a good mind to scrap the whole worksI've busted my ass for damn near a yearInstead of thanks Santa what do I hearThe Old lady bitches cause I work late at nightThe elves want more money the reindeers all fightRudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS And just when I thought that things would get betterThose assholes from IRS sent me a letterThey say I owe taxes-if that ain't damn funnyWho the hell ever sent Santa Claus any moneyAnd the kids these days- they all are the pits They want the impossible... Those mean litttle shitsI spent a whole year making wagons and sledsAssembling dolls....Their arms, legs, and headsI made a ton of yo yo's No request for them They want computers and robots... they think I'm IBMIf you thinks that bad...just picture thisTry holding more...

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.Damn women drivers!