Damn Jokes / Recent Jokes

3 guys go into a bar. The booze begins to flow pretty heavily in the course of the evening and the guys get split up. Next morning they're all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other...The first guy says, "Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks!"The second goes, "Shit that's nothing I was so tanked that I drove my damn car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do!"The third guy says, "That's nothing I was so drunk that I went home and starting cussing my girlfriend out and in the process knocked over a candle and it caught the whole damn apartment on fire - the insurance won't cover it, plus my girlfriend left me."The first guy leans back in and whispers, "I don't think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog."

3 guys go into a bar. They drink heavily and they lose each other in the bar. Next morning they're all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other.
The first guy says, "Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks!"
The second goes, "Shit that's nothing I was so tanked that I drove my damn car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do!"
The third guy says, "That's nothing I was so drunk that I went home and starting cussing my girlfriend out and in the process knocked over a candle and it caught the whole damn apartment on fire - the insurance won't cover it, plus my girlfriend left me."
The first guy leans back in and whispers, "I don't think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog."

One Sunday morning, a man attended the service at the local church. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that he stopped to shake his hand. "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I have ever heard," the man said.
"Thank you, sir," the Reverend replied, "but I must ask that you not use profanity in the Lord's house."
"Sorry, Reverend, I just can't help myself," said the man, "that was just such a damn good sermon."
"Sir, please," replied the Reverend. "Again I you not to use profanity in church."
"Okay, Reverend," the man said. "I just want you to know that I thought it was so damn good that I put $5000 in the collection plate."
"No shit!" exclaimed the Reverend.

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.

They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

(With apologies to Country Joe McDonald,
who had nothing to do with this parody.)


Gimme a Y!
Y!
Gimme a 2!
2!
Gimme a K!
K!

What's that spell?
Y2K!
What's that spell?
Y2K!
What's that spell?
Y2K!

Yeah, come on all of you, big strong nerds,
Uncle Sam's laid a bunch of turds.
He's got himself in a terrible place
Way down yonder in cyberspace
So put down your books and pick up a mouse,
We're gonna fix this whole damn house.

And it's one, two, three,
What are we coding for?

< Yippiee! >

Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop is on the LAN;
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up for William Gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.

One day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his
doctor was amazed.
"Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of
any 64 year old I have ever examined!"
"Did I say I was 64?"
"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?"
"Damn straight you did! I'm 85!"
"85! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old
was your father when he died?"
"Did I say he was dead?"
"You mean..."
"Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!"
"My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your
grandfather live?"
"Did I say he was dead?"
"No! You can't mean..."
"Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!"
"126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would
want to get married at that more...

1. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?

2. Her tits are just too big.

3. Sometimes I just want to be held.

4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.

5. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.

6. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions.

7. Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons?

8. This shower curtain doesn't have enough frills on it.

9. Damn, too bad this car isn't a four cylinder.

10. It's OK, I'll sleep in the wet spot.

11. I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.

12. Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.

13. No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.

14. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don't look at them any more.

15. I understand.

16. This movie has too much nudity.

17. more...