Damn Jokes / Recent Jokes

A priest and a drunk man were playing golf together. The priest told the drunk to tee off first. The drunk swings and, of course, misses. "Damn, I missed!" he says.
The priest tells the drunk to watch his language. The drunk tells the priest to just shut up, swings again, and misses again. "Damn, I missed AGAIN!" he says.
The priest says, "If you say that again, the heavens are going to part and God will strike you down!"
The drunk just shrugs and swings again, missing badly. "Damn, I missed AGAIN!" he says.
Suddenly, the heavens part and a lightning bolt strikes... the priest. Then a loud, booming voice says, "DAMN, I MISSED!"

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.' She's incredibly mixed up,' said one doctor.' She does everything absolutely backwards.

Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!'

The second doctor said,' That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!'

Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall.' Oh my God!', said the first doctor,' I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!'

3 guys go into a bar. The booze begins to flow pretty heavily in the course of the evening and the guys get split up. Next morning they're all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other...

The first guy says, "Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks!"

The second goes, "Shit that's nothing I was so tanked that I drove my damn car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do!"

The third guy says, "That's nothing I was so drunk that I went home and starting cussing my girlfriend out and in the process knocked over a candle and it caught the whole damn apartment on fire - the insurance won't cover it, plus my girlfriend left me."

The first guy leans back in and whispers, "I don't think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog."

Little Johnny had a terrible cussing problem and his father had had enough of it. Not knowing what to do, he decided to seek the advice of a psychiatrist.
The doctor suggested that, since Christmas was fast approaching, he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If Johnny cussed, then he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.
A couple of days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted Santa to bring. Johnny said, "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right fuckin' here beside me when I wake up Christmas morning."
"Then, when I go downstairs," Johnny continued, "I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the damn tree. When I go outside, I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!"
When Little Johnny woke up on Christmas morning, he rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he went downstairs and found a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. more...

A priest and a lawyer go golfing. The lawyer goes first. He takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed!" The priest says, "Do not say that or God will strike you down."
On the next hole the lawyer takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed!" The priest says, "If you say that one more time God will strike you down."
On the third hole the lawyer takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed!" Suddenly a huge lightning bolt comes down from the sky and hits the priest. And then a big voice from above says, "DAMN IT, I MISSED!"

Once there was a preacher's wife who went into a bakery and asked the butcher waht the daily special was. He said it was the "damn ham."

She immediatly started yelling at the top of her lungs.

"HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER'S WIFE!"

The butcher was totally taken back by this while he wimpered, "Oh, no ma'am it's called the' damn ham.'" She bought one of the hams.

Later that day when the preacher got home he smelled the ham cooking and asked his wife what it was. She replied that it was the "damn ham." He also immediatly started yelling at the top of his lungs.

"HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER!"

She was also taken back by this and wimpered that it was the "damn ham."

At dinner that night they were eating dinner with their kids and they, too, asked what this delicoius meal was. Their father (the preacher) said more...

3 guys go into a bar. The booze begins to flow pretty heavily in the course of the evening and the guys get split up. Next morning they're all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other...
The first guy says, "Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks!"
The second goes, "Shit that's nothing I was so tanked that I drove my damn car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do!"
The third guy says, "That's nothing I was so drunk that I went home and starting cussing my girlfriend out and in the process knocked over a candle and it caught the whole damn apartment on fire - the insurance won't cover it, plus my girlfriend left me."
The first guy leans back in and whispers, "I don't think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog."