Damn Jokes / Recent Jokes

Old Enough To Start Cussing
Two brothers were getting dressed for school. The older one says,"I think I'm
old enough to start cussing."
Younger one, "Me too. Whatcha gonna say?"
Older boy,"Dad says' damn' a lot, so that's what I'll say."
Younger boy, "I'm gonna say' betchyer ass', Dad says that all the time.
They go down for breakfast, sit at the table. Mom comes in, says to the older
one,"What would you like for breakfast dear?"
He replies, "Gimme a damn bowl of Fruit Loops."
Mom knocks older son off his chair, turns to younger one,"And what would YOU
like for breakfast?"
Younger son, "Betcher ass I don't want Fruit Loops!"

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its' going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."
"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."
"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
"The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."
"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing more...

Dear Dr. Verne:
I'm gonna be gittin' a tattoo removed from my most womanly bod. Being of the good redneck breeding that I'm is, I's worried about affectin' my good standing. I can offer you no better reason than my old man don't like me having my ex-old man's name writ on me, so I'ms getting rid of it.
Verne, please tell me straight: Am I getting woosified? Or should I replace the tattoo with his name?
- Worried in Des Moines
Dear Worried:
It all depends on which kinda tattoo you got. Now if you got the ex's name with the old rose on the ankle or the heart on the boob, I'd lose the damn thing. Ever since them sorority chicks named Tiffany started doing it, guys might figure you's an inferior yuppie babe which talks in that high chipmunk voice and you'll never get to growing your butt out to a decent size.
But if you got one of them giant serpents that covers your back, that's class. I'd keep that baby and just cross out the ex's name with some spray paint and more...

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says more...

What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER
December 8:
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be more...

You think you got it bad? All night long, soot in the chimneys,
smelly socks, cross dogs, shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving
all night in the snow - damn near got killed by a 747. Mrs.
Clause is pissed off cause I got in so late.

Donner and Blitzen and Rudolph got you-know-what over Albuquerque
and you should see my suit. The damn elves won't clean the sleigh
unless I pay them double time.

I'm so sick of cookies and milk, I could vomit. The only highball
I had all night was when I slipped getting out of my sleigh.

My prostate is giving me hell. I pee'd my pants at 20, 000 feet
and froze my butt to the seat. I'm allergic to pine needles. I
itch all over and I think my hemorrhoids are back.

HO! HO! HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS, your a**.