Damn Jokes / Recent Jokes
One day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his doctor was amazed." Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in thegreatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!""Did I say I was 64?" "Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?" "Damn straight you did! I'm 85!""85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were25! How old was your father when he died?" "Did I say he was dead?" "You mean...""Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!""My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your grandfather live?" "Did I say he was dead?" "No! You can't mean...""Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!""126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't thinka man would want to get married at that age!""Did I say he' wanted' to get married?..."
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again...
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
...could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
I hope his family won't miss him
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is more...
NO CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR!!!! FUNNY!!!
Christmas Story
“Twas the night before Christmas–Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year.
Instead of “Thanks Santa”–what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money–The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes–if that ain’t damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days–they all are the pits
They want the impossible–Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls…Their arms, legs more...
A woman is pregnant with triplets. The first fetus turns to the other two and says, "When I get outta here and grow up, I'm gonna be a plumber."
"Why a plumber?" ask the other two.
The first replies, "Because of all the damn water in here."
"That makes sense," reply the others.
Then, the second fetus says, "When I grow up, I'm gonna be an electrician."
"Why an electrician?" the others ask.
"Because it's so damn dark in here," replies the second.
"That makes sense too," the others comment.
The third one then says, "When I grow up, I'm gonna be a hunter."
"Why a hunter?" ask the other two.
The third replies, "Because if that damn gopher sticks his head up here one more time, I'm gonna kill it!"
This one big lawyer from the city decided to take time away from his busy day and went out to the farm and shot a duck.The farmer walks out Of his building upon hearing the shot and screams at the city guy - "HEY You Cant shoot that duck on my property. That duck belongs to me. Hand it over!" The city guy says, 'Hell no I shot him so I get to keep him!"The farmer and the city boy decide to settle it country style (which is to kick each other in the nuts till the other one falls over") So the farmer goes first and slams the city boy a nice hard stiff kick. Upon receiving the kick, the city boy damn near colllapses from the pain.The city boy regains his balance And studders "Its my turn" The famer looks at him and says - "aw Hell, keep the damn duck!
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
6. Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie.
7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
9. Damn, there go the lights again...
10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
12. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
14. I hope his family won't miss him
15. And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
17. Nurse, did more...
Speaking of divorce (I was), this woman petitions the court for a divorce on the grounds that her husband "beats her." The Judge, wanting every detail asked how often it was he beat the woman. "Every damn time your Honor," she sighed, "Every damn time! "