Damn Jokes / Recent Jokes

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. 2. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop 3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness" 4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog! 5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? 6. Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie. 7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. 8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? 9. Damn, there go the lights again...10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! 12. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel? 14. I hope his family won't miss him15. And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! 17. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card? 18. Don't worry. I think it is more...

3 guys go into a bar. The booze begins to flow pretty heavily in the course of the evening and the guys get split up. Next morning they’re all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other…
The first guy says, “Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks! ”
The second goes, “Shit that’s nothing I was so tanked that I drove my damn car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do! ”
The third guy says, “That’s nothing I was so drunk that I went home and starting cussing my girlfriend out and in the process knocked over a candle and it caught the whole damn apartment on fire - the insurance won’t cover it, plus my girlfriend left me. ”
The first guy leans back in and whispers, “I don’t think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog. ”

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, more...

After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.
He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Preacher replied, "Oh! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was such a damn good sermon!"
The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"
The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate."
The Reverend looks stunned, and says, "NO SH**?"

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,' May I borrow a highlighter?' 2. Say,' Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.' 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. Say,' Damn, this water's cold.' 5. Drop a marble and say,' Oh shit! My glass eye!' 6. Say,' Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.' 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly. 8. Say,' Now how did that get there?' 9. Say,' Humus. Reminds me of humus.' 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,' Whoa! Easy boy!' 11. Say,' Interesting.. more floaters than sinkers.' 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,' Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?' 13. more...

*** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom): Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something. You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling' ya those little buggers can't be trusted. After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has more...

A man goes into a bar, and he looks like a complete bum. He sits down and asks for a bottle of brandy. The bartender says"
I am going to have to see some money first"
. So...out of his pocket, the bum takes a HUGE wad of 20's 50's and 100 dollar bills.
The bartender...stunned of course says "
Jesus crist, how did you get all that?"
The man replies, "
I am a gambling man."
"
But gambling is only 50/50. How can you win so much money!?"
"
I only bet on the things I know I can win on."
Says the gambler. "
take this for example. I bet you $200 I can bite my right eye."
The bartender says "
Yeah right. Go ahead."
So the man takes out his right false eye and bites it.
"
Damn you! You jipped me"
the bartender yelled."
and gave the man $200
"
That's how I win money. ok...got another one. I'll bet you another $200 I can more...