Cooks Jokes / Recent Jokes

The following comments are those of Bill Hall who is a syndicated humor columnist for the Lewiston Morning Tribune in Lewiston, Idaho. Consider bathing, for instance. As a general rule, middle-aged women take baths at night. The men shower each morning. The men like to go to bed dirty and go to work clean. Women prefer to go to bed clean and to work dirty. That's why men usually take their coffee breaks with other men. Women read more boring magazines than men. They read silly, pedestrian magazines filled with articles on making quilts, turning bleach bottles into stunning centerpieces, the use of orange eyeshadow and how to get men to shower before going to bed instead of before going to work. Men read sensible, intellectual journals on how to catch fish and kill little animals. When a man cooks, he keeps his knives sharp. Most female cooks don't. Indeed, most female cooks don't even own a decent kitchen knife, let alone a sharp one. Female cooks offer the excuse that they would cut more...

Heaven is...
when the French are the cooks, the Italians are the lovers, the British are the police, the Germans are the mechanics and the Swiss run the hotels.
Hell is...
when the British are the cooks, the Swiss are the lovers, the Italians are the mechanics, the French run the hotels and the Germans are the police.

Heaven is...
when the French are the cooks,
the Italians are the lovers,
the British are the police,
the Germans are the mechanics
and the Swiss run the hotels.
Hell is...
when the British are the cooks,
the Swiss are the lovers,
the Italians are the mechanics,
the French run the hotels
and the Germans are the police.

Women's Lifestyles Through the Ages
AGE... DRINK
17... Winecoolers
25... White wine
35... Red wine
48... Dom Perignon
66... Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17... Need to wash my hair
25... Need to wash and condition my hair
35... Need to color my hair
48... Need to have Francois color my hair
66... Need to have Francois color my wig
FAVORITE SPORT
17... shopping
25... shopping
35... shopping
48... shopping
66... shopping
FAVORITE DRUG
17... shopping
25... shopping
35... shopping
48... shopping
66... shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17... "Burger King"
25... "Free meal"
35... "A diamond"
48... "A bigger diamond"
66... "Home Alone"
FAVORITE FANTASY
17... tall, dark and handsome
25... tall, dark and handsome with money
35... tall, dark and handsome with money and a more...

Women's Lifestyles Through the AgesAGE... DRINK17... Winecoolers25... White wine35... Red wine48... Dom Perignon66... Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaserEXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES17... Need to wash my hair25... Need to wash and condition my hair 35... Need to color my hair48... Need to have Francois color my hair66... Need to have Francois color my wigFAVORITE SPORT17... shopping25... shopping35... shopping48... shopping66... shoppingFAVORITE DRUG17... shopping25... shopping35... shopping48... shopping66... shoppingDEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE17... "Burger King"25... "Free meal"35... "A diamond"48... "A bigger diamond"66... "Home Alone"FAVORITE FANTASY17... tall, dark and handsome25... tall, dark and handsome with money35... tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 48... a man with hair66... a manHOUSE PET17... Muffy the cat25... Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat35... Irish setter and Muffy the Cat48... Children from his more...

1. "What will happen if I cut your ears off?"
"I will lose my eyesight"
"How come?"
"Why? where do I hang my glasses on?"
2. What is the difference between Hell and Heaven?
In Heaven the Police are English, beurocrats are German and cooks are French. In Hell Police are Germans, beurocrats are French and cooks are English.

The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits he told them.After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served.A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat?" he asked.The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two more...