Chanukah Jokes / Recent Jokes

Why does Chanukah come before Christmas?
- So Jews can break up with their non Jewish girlfriends
in between.

'Twas the night before Chanukah, as it is said
And Santa was sitting and hocking his head
He had all the toys wrapped up nice in his zeckel
For maidlach and boys to give each one a peckel
The reindeer were saddled and ready to fly
Like a crew of brave astronauts all through the sky
But Santa was starving to eat a good meichel
Some regular food that would stick to his beichel
Not plum cakes or mincemeat or peppermint candy
But some kosher cooking he thought would be dandy
So he called to his reindeer, "Hey, kinder, let's go
To a Jewish balbusta and don't be so slow."
The house had no chimney, so he went through the door
And kissed the mezzuzah and jumped on the floor
Then the man of the house said, "Santa you devil
Come on, don't be shy and see our split level
The night is still early, there's plenty of zeit
So come in the den and please have a bite
If only we knew you were coming, more...

Oy of the Beholder - Singles kvetch about their awful dates.
Girls, Interrupted - Women's section of Shul shusshed during davening (prayers).
The Seder House Rules - Zaydie lays down the law on Pesach.
Angela's Kashas - Woman reveals secret recipes.
The Six Cents - Three Jews each put in their two-cents' worth.
Snow Falling on Seders - Unexpected storm disrupts Passover.
Supernova - Space scientists discover powerful strain of lox.
Dreydel Will Rock - Chanukah toy comes alive.
Sleepy Hallah - On Friday night, father fills up on bread, dozes off.
Stuart Ladle - Mouse makes chicken soup for Shabbos.
The Whole Nine Yids - Struggling shul waits for tenth.
The Green Mohel - Young man performs first circumcision
Mun on the Moon - Astronauts discover hamantaschen filling, not green cheese, on lunar surface.
Gonif with the Wind - A thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara through a forged deed.
The Putzman Rings Twice - A mohel murder more...

'Twas the night before Chanukah, boychiks and maidels,
Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels.
The menorah was set on the chimney, just right,
In the kitchen my Bubbe hut gechapt a bite.
Salami, pastrami, a glessala tay
and zayerah pickles with bagels, oy vay!
Gezunt and geschmacht, the kindelech felt,
while dreaming of tegelach and Chanukah gelt.

The clock on the mantle it sure was a tickin',
and Bubbe was serving a schtickala chicken.
A tumult arose like a thousand bruchas,
Santa had fallen and broken his tuchas.
I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,
while Bubba was now on the herring and rye.
I grabbed my robe and buttoned my gotkes,
While Bubbe was so busy, devouring those latkes.

To the window I ran and to my surprise,
A little red yarmulke greeted my eyes.
When he got to the door and saw our menorah,
"Yiddishe kinder," he said, more...

'Twas the Month after Chanukah
Twas the month after Chanukah, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibble, the latkas I'd taste
At Chanukah parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine or the egg creams, the bread and the cheese
and the way I'd never said, ''No thank you, please.''
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
and prepared once again to do battle with dirt-
I said to myself, as only I can
''You can't spend the winter disguised as a man!''
So... away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of all chocolate, each cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
''Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie-not more...