Blessing Jokes / Recent Jokes

Morris goes to the rabbi and says, "I committed a sin and I want to know what I can do to repent.""What was the sin?" the rabbi asked."It happened just once," Morris assures him. "I didn't wash my hands and recite the blessing before eating bread.""Nu, if it really only happened once," the rabbi said, "that's not so terrible. Nonetheless, why did you neglect to wash your hands and recite the blessing?""I felt awkward Rabbi," said Morris. "You see, I was in an un-kosher restaurant."The rabbi's eyebrows arch. "And why were you eating in an un-kosher restaurant?""I had no choice," Morris said. "All the kosher restaurants were closed.""And why were all the kosher restaurants closed?" the rabbi asked.Morris replied, "It was Yom Kippur."

Q: What is the proper blessing to recite before logging on to the Internet? A: "Modem anachnu loch..."

Chad nervously approached his girlfriend's father and said "Excuse me, Mr. Scott, but there was something I wanted to ask you."

"Well, of course, young man!" the proud father replied. "You have my full blessing. My daughter's happiness is all I want."

"Blessing, sir?" Chad stammered.

"Yes, of course. You want to marry my daughter, right?" Mr. Scott said.

"Uh, no sir, that's not it." said Chad. "Actually, my car payment is due, and I'm a little short until payday, and I wanted to know if I could borrow fifty dollars until Friday."

"Heck no!" yelled Mr. Scott. "I hardly know you."

THE traditional blessing Satputri haven (May you be the mother of seven) had a bizarre denouement: a young lady with her face hidden behind her veil touched the feet of an older woman to seek her blessing.' Satputri hoven,' said the old woman.
The blessing-seeker uncovered her face and retorted,' And what do you expect me to do to my eighth? Poison him?'

All the town residents had dressed up in their Sunday best for the Pope's visit. Everyone lined up on main street, hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope.
One local man had put on his best suit, sure that the Pope would stop and talk to him. He was standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum, who not only looked awful, but didn't smell very good either.
As the Pope came walking by, he stopped, leaned over and said something to the bum, then continued on right past the local man. He couldn't believe it, then it hit him. The Pope didn't talk to him because he's concerned for the unfortunate people; the poor and the feeble ones.
Thinking quickly, the local man gave the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He put on the bum's clothes and ran down the street to line up for a second chance for the Pope to stop and speak to him.
Sure enough, the Pope walked right up to him this time. He leaned in close to the local man and said, "Didn't I tell you to more...

One day there was a knock on the Pope's office door.
When he answered it, the salesman said, "Hello, my management team would like to discuss a proposal with you." After taking a seat in his office, the salesman said, "I am with Kentucky Fried Chicken. We would like to offer you a contract to the church if you can change the Lord's blessing from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'daily chicken'."
The Pope said, "I'm sorry we just cannot do that." The salesman went back to his office where he discussed the outcome of the meeting.
He returned to the Pope's office a week later with the same proposal, only he had upped the bid to 4 million. The Pope gently declined, again.
The next week he came again and offered the Pope an offering of 10 million.
The Pope said, "Let me think it over."
The Pope then called a meeting with the elders of the church and said, "Well gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. Kentucky Fried more...

Chad nervously approached his girlfriend's father and said "Excuse me, Mr. Scott, but there was something I wanted to ask you."
"Well, of course, young man!" the proud father replied. "You have my full blessing. My daughter's happiness is all I want."
"Blessing, sir?" Chad stammered.
"Yes, of course. You want to marry my daughter, right?" Mr. Scott said.
"Uh, no sir, that's not it." said Chad. "Actually, my car payment is due, and I'm a little short until payday, and I wanted to know if I could borrow fifty dollars until Friday."
"Heck no!" yelled Mr. Scott. "I hardly know you."