Big Jokes / Recent Jokes

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses. "Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400." "How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?" The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make: Hed just signed up at an army recruiters office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation."Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs," snickered one: "You didnt really do that, did you?""Im positive youd never get through basic training" scoffed another. The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question: "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

A guy was down on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each." Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, "$5 each for lobster tails. .. is that correct?"

"Yes", she said, "It's our special just for today."

"Well", he said, "they must be little lobster tails."

"No," she replied, "It's the really big lobster."

Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails - and a little bit tough?"

"No", she said, "it's the really big red lobster."

"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?", he said, amazed. "They must be old lobster tails!"

"No, they're definitely today's."

"Today's big red lobster tails - $5 each?", he repeated, astounded.

"Yes", she more...

A government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to take from you everything you have.

Subject: If cars were *really* like computers

What if cars really were like computers? You'd have a helpline to assist in solving problems as they came up... Now just imagine if the same people that answer the phones at Microsoft had to answer the General Motors helpline...

HelpLine:' General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?'

Customer:' I can get in through the driver's side door just fine, but I can't open the passenger's side.'

HelpLine:' How did you try to open the passenger's side?'

Customer:' I pulled up on the handle, just like on the other side.'

HelpLine:' People are always making that mistake. You have to push on the passenger's side. Remember, you're always moving the handle toward the left of the car. It's more consistent that way.'

HelpLine:' General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?'

Customer:' How do I turn my windshield wipers on?'

HelpLine:' There's a little button more...

There were three Eskimos in Alaska and one time, while they were at
their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside
and how cold their igloos were.
They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest.
So they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo. He said, "watch this,"
and took a big breath and exhaled. His breath froze into a big
lump and fell to the floor.
"Wow, that's colder than mine," said the second Eskimo.
But the third Eskimo exclaimed that his igloo was colder still. So they
ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said, "watch this," and
went into the bedroom. He threw back the thick furs and retrieved one
of several small balls of ice there. He took the ball and put it
in a spoon & held a match under it.
When it heated up enough, it went, "FFFFAAAARRRRTTTT".

An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in

England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free".

Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,".. yeah.

That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"

The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."