Big Jokes / Recent Jokes

College by Dave Barry Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college: * Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas. * Things you will not need to know in later life (1, 998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, - - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to more...

One day, God sent three politicians, Clinton, Ghandi and Mahatir to Heaven by mistake. So he told them,' I've sent the three of you here too early. You aren't suppose to die yet. Therefore, I'm going to send you back down and before that, you can ask me a question that you want to know about.' So, Clinton asked' When is America going to become big and busy and rich?' God answered,' Another 50 years.' Clinton wept and threw a tantrum. God asked him his reason for his behavior and Clinton said,' I'm afraid I don't have that long a life to see that.' Next, Ghandi asked,' When is India going to be big and busy and rich?' God answered,' Another 100 years.' Ghandi reacted as Clinton did and gave the same reason for acting that way. Lastly, Mahatir asked,' When is Malaysia going to be big and busy and rich?' This time, God wept.

One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?"
The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."

An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.

He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

Nobody answered him.

He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

Again nobody answered.

The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish." So the Indian asked again,

"Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff."

The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?"

The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!"

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. What`s with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. It`s not a gong. It`s a talking clock", the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup", replied the drunk. How`s it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole! It`s three-fifteen in the morning!

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.

Home is where the house is.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

It would be terrible if the Red Cross more...

Tiger woods go to china for a golf game with a local Chinaman, The night before the big even he decides to go out into town and get him self a young prostitute. After buying her few drinks and full course meal, they retire to his hotel for the big event. During the action the girl starts to get louder and even screams of words that Tiger couldn't understand or comprehend.
He thought to him self hmm that probably a sign of enjoyment and he continued even faster and harder. The girl got louder and there was a tone of moaning of slight roughness and she started screaming " Masatho Masotho, Masatho owww weeee owwww Mosotho." Tiger for sure that that meat ohhh it feel so good. This went on for the night.
The next day at the golf course, with the Chinaman he starts his game and decide to let the chinaman put first. After successfully birding the put Chinaman stands fast for Tiger to put Tiger with great confidence puts and birdies and looks at the Chinaman takes a loud more...