Beast Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    I dreamt last night that I went to Heaven, and I met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. I asked him that since I arrived in Heaven if I could take a look around the place. St. Peter agreed, and even came along with me to show me around. We went a ways, until we met President Clinton, tied to one of the most ugliest beast you could ever, ever imagine. It was nearly human, probably about 95 years old, 5 inch thick glasses, grease just dripping off its body, muttering every now and then like a sick crow. We asked Willie why he was chained to this awful creature.
    Willie replied: "Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins, and now I'm chained to this really ugly old thing as penance."
    We wished President Clinton the best of luck, and moved on. A while later we met with none other than Elvis Presley, the King of Rock, and he was tied to another of the most ugliest creatures you could imagine, even worse than the first one. We asked Mr. Presley why he was more...

    "American Beauty and the Beast"
    The Beast has a midlife crisis and takes a job at a fast-food restaurant, while the Beauty has an affair with a real-estate tycoon.

    "The Straight Love Story"
    Ryan O'Neal tragically runs over Ali McGraw while mowing his lawn.

    "That Girl, Interrupted"
    Marlo Thomas goes to the nuthouse.

    "The Talented Mr. Whipple"
    An elderly toilet-paper spokes- man goes on a killing spree in Europe, murdering anyone who squeezes the Charmin.

    "Soylent Green Mile"
    Charlton Heston finds out what prison food is really made of.

    "All About My Mummy"
    Pedro Almodovar's bittersweet saga about a 3,000-year-old mummy and his struggle to find love in the modern world.

    "The Animal House Rules"
    A group of frat boys, led by John Belushi, drink too much hard cider and open an abortion clinic, with predictably wacky more...

    Father leaves home for a trip and asks his daughter:-Dear, what would you like me to bring for you as a present from my trip? The daughter replies:-Bring me a beast for my sexual pleasures daddy.
    Father:-But dear! I am your dad! I cannot allow you even to talk to me about this kind of things!
    Daughter:-O-o-o-oK daddy. Then lets go by the long way. Bring me a red rose. :(

    An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. The monster then opened its mouth while waiting below to swallow man and boat.

    As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

    Suddenly, the scene froze in place. As the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

    "God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

    "Well," said God, "now that you are a believer you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me more...

    OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know about...

    660 Approximate number of the Beast

    DCLXVI Roman numeral of the Beast

    666. 0000 Number of the High Precision Beast

    0. 666 Number of the Millibeast

    / 666 Beast Common Denominator

    (-666) ^ (1/2) Imaginary number of the Beast

    6. 66 e3 Floating point Beast

    1010011010 Binary of the Beast

    6, uh... what was that number again? Number of the Blonde Beast

    1-666 Area code of the Beast

    00666 Zip code of the Beast

    666mph The speed limit of the Beast

    $665. 95 Retail price of the Beast

    $699. 25 Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax

    $769. 95 Price of the Beast with all accessories

    $656. 66 Walmart price of the Beast

    $646. 66 Next week's Walmart price of the Beast

    Phillips 666 Gasoline of the Beast

    Route 666 Way more...

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