Basic Jokes / Recent Jokes

During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets. He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260 degree.
"But, sergeant, all circles have 360 degrees," called out a conscript.
"Don`t be stupid," the sergeant roared. "This is a small circle."

Special High Intensity Training - S. H. I. T.

MEMORANDUM

TO: All Employees
FROM: Communications Services
SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S. H. I. T.). We are giving our employees more S. H. I. T. than any other office in town.

If you feel you do not receive your share of S. H. I. T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S. H. I. T. list for special attention.

All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S. H. I. T. you can handle at your own speed.

If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S. H. I. T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M. O. R. E. S. H. I. T.).

If you consider more...

arab coffee:
Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in
tiny cups at gunpoint.
calorie:
Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by
the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a
particular food.
microwave oven:
Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle
of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within
the cooking compartment.
oven:
Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of
meat and poultry.
porridge:
Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since
children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an
amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
preheat:
To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before
cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is
put in, as well as when it is removed.
recipe:
A series of step-by-step more...

-It's a gated community, it's exclusionary. Fourteenth amendment issues. -The white, fleece stairway to heaven, gilded with the rays of sun does not comply with the American with Disabilities Act - E. E. O. C. Reg. 2. 87351, which requires a gradually inclining ramp or an escalator subject to an undue burden defense for the proprietor. - Heaven is zoned for residential family housing, so it's hard to build affordable, large apartment complexes for low income families. - In heaven, according to scripture, you tithe at 10%; liberals think the marginal rate should be more like 38%. - Racial profiling, whites walked through the gates of heaven, and even if the metal detector goes off, they rarely get stopped and searched, but if a black is milling about outside the gates of heaven near the parked chariots with clubs on the steering wheels, they are subject to police questioning even though they're doing nothing wrong. - They teach creationism in the classroom. - Sinners in the cells of more...

1. Don't call, ever. 2. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, like "Spike." 3. Play with yourself. Talk about it. 4. You are a man. Remember, no matter what, it isn't your fault. 5. Lie. 6. Never ask for help. Even if you really need it, don't ask. People will think you have no penis. 7. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them. 8. If, God forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible. 9. Lie. 10. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine. 11. Say things like "Wha.. . ? " 12. Deny everything. Everything. 13. Don't have a clue. 14. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times. 15. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant." 16. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at more...

Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke and palate scorching Szechwan food.
Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and harder to modify.
Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simpletons who can't read listings or the object code from the dump.
Real Programmers scorn Floating Point Arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big."
Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working order in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is the hallmark of the novice and the coward.
Real Programmers don't write application programs. They program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for the dullards who can't do systems programming.
Real Programmers more...

1. Don't call, ever.2. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, like "Spike."3. Play with yourself. Talk about it.4. You are a man. Remember, no matter what, it isn't your fault.5. Lie.6. Never ask for help. Even if you really need it, don't ask. People will think you have no penis.7. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.8. If, God forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.9. Lie.10. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.11. Say things like "Wha... ?"12. Deny everything. Everything.13. Don't have a clue.14. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.15. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."16. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend more...