Basic Jokes / Recent Jokes

Assembler: You shoot yourself in the foot. Ada: The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you a blindfold and a last cigarrette. BASIC (interpreted): You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg is waterlogged and rots off. BASIC (compiled): You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile launcher. C++: You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible. COBOL: USE HANDGUN. COLT(45), AIM AT LEG. FOOT, THEN WITH ARM. HAND. FINGER ON HANDGUN. COLT(TRIGGER) PREFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN. COLT TO HIP. HOLSTER. cah: After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you shoot the computer and switch to C. dBASE: You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to shoot bullets. Fortran: You shoot yourself in more...

Special High Intensity Training - S.H.I.T.MEMORANDUMTO: All EmployeesFROM: Communications ServicesSUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAININGIn order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town.If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic more...

BASIC STUPIDITY
* Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
* Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
* Asking when the rock set starts $20
* Continually asking "where are we?" $25
* Continually shouting "Yeah!" $25
* Asking bone player where "1" is $50
* Taking cellphone call during 4's $100

BASIC MATH
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his more...

There are four basic types of chain letters:~~~Chain Letter Type IHello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starvinglittle boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who as no arms, no legs, no parents, and no pecker. This little boy's life could be saved, because for everytime you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Starving LeglessArmless Parentless Peckerless Little Boys from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent. So go on, reach out.Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder- if youaccidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly and a madgoat will rape your dead body. Thanks again!!

Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt Master of Judo Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques: Escape from DojoThe quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats. Sleeper StanceStanding at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with exhaustion. Sigh of WisdomSudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a dangerous body slam without injury. Crossing FingersA hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious. Gift of InstructionThe act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a technique correctly. Seeing Without SeeingThe dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question. Kuchi Waza (mouth technique)Using an hour of class time to answer the stupid question while students sit on their knees in seiza. Mugger's DefenseOffering to lighten the student's wallet to reduce the risk of more...

Programmers Sayings...
''BASIC - A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.'' - Anon.
''I speak BASIC to clients, 1-2-3 to management, and mumble to myself.'' - Anon.
''If you're masochistic enough to program in ADA, we're not going to stop you.'' - Matt Welsh
''Don't get suckered in by the comments... they can terribly be misleading.'' - Dave Storer
''If we can dispel the delusion that learning about computers should be an activity of fiddling with array indexes and worrying whether X is an integer or a real number, we can begin to focus on programming as a source of ideas.'' - Harold Abelson
''Optimization hinders evolution.'' - Anon.
''Programming graphics in X is like finding the square root of PI using Roman numerals.'' - Henry Spencer
''The best book on programming for the layman is Alice in Wonderland; but that's because it's the best book on anything for layman.'' - more...