Cobol Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Real programmers don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how to spell
    Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food.
    Real programmers don't write application programs. They program right down to the bare
    Application programs are for dullards who can't do system programming.
    Real programmers don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get.
    They are lucky to get any program at all.
    Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to
    understand and even harder to modify.
    Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.
    Real programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the
    novice and the coward.
    Real programmers don't use Cobol. Cobol is for wimpy application programmers.
    Real programmers don't use more...

    ADA: A Dumb Arrangement
    ADA: A Dumb Acronym
    ADA: A Dumb Annoyance
    BASIC: Boring And Shamelessly Idiotic Coders
    BASIC: Badly Assembled, Severely Illogical Code
    BASIC: Beginner's Algorithms for Seemingly Infinite Confusion
    C: Crud
    C: Confusing
    COBOL: Completly Outdated, Badly Overused Language
    COBOL: Completly Overused, Badly Outdated Language
    COBOL: Cowards Only Buy Outdated Languages
    COBOL: Cowards Only Build Outdated Languages
    COBOL: Crap Operated By Obsessed lunatics
    COBOL: Crap Often Bothers Our Lethargy
    COBOL: Crap Ostracized By Our Loathing
    COBOL: Compiles Only Because Of Luck
    COBOL: Cumbersome, Overdone, Badly Organized Language
    COBOL: Coded Only By Obsessed Lunatics
    FORTRAN: Files Only Run Through Right At Never-neverland
    LISP: Lots of Insanely Stupid Parentheses
    LISP: Lots of Irritating Superfluous Parentheses
    PASCAL: Programmers Against Structured Code And Language

    What's Really Going To Happen At The Year 2000:
    "99 Bottles of Beer" song gets stuck in an infinite loop
    At the stroke of midnight on 12/31/1999, Windows 99* turns back into DOS 1.0; the Pentium* V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.
    Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey".
    Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only two digits.
    Sales of Coca-Cola jump drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.
    Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost 1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899" (which, frankly, doesn't seem like that much fun).
    Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the "Gatesian" Calendar.
    Jesus shows up late for His Second Coming; blames it on COBOL programmers.
    Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some more...

    There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake of this story, we'll call him Jack. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers, Jack was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it. Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it. Jack decided to contact a company that more...

    Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke and palate scorching Szechwan food.
    Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and harder to modify.
    Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simpletons who can't read listings or the object code from the dump.
    Real Programmers scorn Floating Point Arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big."
    Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working order in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
    Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is the hallmark of the novice and the coward.
    Real Programmers don't write application programs. They program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for the dullards who can't do systems programming.
    Real Programmers more...

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